Kaback: (500) days of America

(277) Well, it’s done. I’ve had the talk with America. You see, I’m studying abroad and… (277) Well, it’s done. I’ve had the talk with America. You see, I’m studying abroad and going to spend the next four months in London. Yes, it was hard to do, but it was time. We’ve been through a lot together and no one understands me like America did. Listen, it wasn’t America, it was me! I didn’t appreciate the apple pies and free buffets, the blockbuster movies and the reality TV shows. I’m just not ready to be married already; I mean I’m a young guy…

(1) You could say that it was love at first sound. America was playing The Smiths in the elevator where we met, and I was hooked from there. I watched that first pitch at Fenway Park, saw that ball drop to bring in the new year, male gazed at the skimpiest Halloween animal costumes that Third World countries can make and never wanted anything more. I felt like Michael Cera in a movie about teenage awkwardness — it was just right. I could see myself getting fat and moving to Florida to live out my days as a retiree voting against everything.

(56) You see America had never really let anyone get close to it. Sure Mexico and Canada hang out all the time, but outside of a little fling way back in 1812, the United States has been pretty emotionally isolated. Oh, I know all about the one-night stands. Don’t give me that! The only reason America went back to Iraq was because it left its wallet on the bedstand. Besides, it’s not like America is even into that whole masochistic stuff that they do. And please, Grenada was so 20 years ago. I’m the only one that it really got close to. You should have seen the parade that I got when we first hooked up.

(118) From the Statue of Liberty to the Mississippi River to the Grand Canyon and on to the Pacific Ocean, America is beautiful. I just want to stand beside her and guide her all around. It’s like dating a supermodel, but instead of long legs it has fast food restaurants. It’s come a long way from Ben Franklin and his dumb kites. If only the Founding Fathers could be alive today. I could see the Facebook status “It’s Complicated with Sally Hemings” for Thomas Jefferson and tweets like “Wow Aaron Burr can suck it” from Alexander Hamilton. Seeing America grow up, it’s like parenting. I feel like actor Will Smith watching people whip their hair back and forth.

(225) We’ve been like Sid and Nancy for months now. Look at yourself America! What the hell is going on? I thought that we were cool, but apparently we’re getting all Yoko Ono versus The Beatles now. I thought you were classy, but Four Loko? I could find more class at West Virginia, and that’s saying something. Brett Favre can’t keep his camera out of his pants and Mel Gibson is still trying to figure out why the Jews start so many wars. Lindsay Lohan went from Audrey Hepburn to Amy Winehouse and Miley Cyrus is doing her best Michael Phelps impression. It’s like America discovered whiskey and debt and out popped Snooki. I know that it went through those years where it was like seriously and greatly depressed but I thought it got out of that. I thought it was the country of “Yes We Can,” not the land of the Soulja Boy.

(312) London? London! London? London! Like “Harry Potter?” Like Mary Poppins. Like soccer? Well, football but yeah. Like pubs? And hooligans. Like the Queen? Like fish and chips. And tea? And no legal drinking age! Like “Eurotrip?” Or “Notting Hill.” The Eiffel Tower? No, that’s France. Why? Well … because … it’s just that … I don’t even know.

(426) It’s been a while America. Yeah, I know I’m still here, but it’s just a matter of time. The problem is that my expectations just didn’t link up with reality. You want to know why? I mean, besides the fact that you canceled “Friends?” And the subsequent spin-off “Joey?” Besides the fact that “Girls Gone Wild” infomercials are impossible to find? Grow up! You had this coming and you know it.

(500) I’m sorry America. The truth is that I’ll always come back to you. I’m like a boomerang or a DUI. Yes, I’m leaving for something sexier and with worse weather. Studying abroad in London is going to be “Avatar” amazing. Don’t worry, I’m still going to write back to America to let it know what I’m up to. I just need some space. I need to see what’s out there. I need to confirm all of the reputations of Americans. I’ll come back, but wish me luck. Every time you see a set of bad teeth or someone who has impeccable etiquette, think of me. Cheerio, I’ll be back soon!

Write Andrew at aak47@pitt.edu.