Green: Moving C-SPAN to primetime

I recently decided that parliamentary brawls are the best thing ever. Because really, what could… I recently decided that parliamentary brawls are the best thing ever. Because really, what could be better than a bunch of old people in toupées and Brooks Brothers suits b*tch-slapping one another in the face?

It’s apparently quite common in places as diverse as Ukraine, Nigeria, Taiwan, South Korea and occasionally, the Alabama state Senate. Mostly the scuffles consist of your average coat- and hair-grabbing, face-slapping and chair-throwing. Amateur stuff you can see at any dive bar or Midwestern high school cafeteria.

But occasionally, you see something with ingenuity, like South Korean lawmakers’ creative use of sledgehammers to pound their way into a parliamentary committee room or Ukrainian congressmen’s elegantly executed egg-and-smoke-bomb fight.

Unfortunately, physical acts of violence rarely occur in the U.S. Congress — at least not since the glory days of Preston Brooks and Charles Sumner.

Actually, I kind of wish this would happen in our Congress, not only because it would indicate that our elected officials actually give a rat’s ass about what their constituents want, but also (and mostly) for the sheer entertainment value.

Think of it: C-SPAN ratings would go through the roof. Suddenly, there would be a reason for people to tune in besides Michele Bachmann drinking games (one drink every time she slanders the U.S. Census Bureau; three drinks every time she quotes a Founding Father; five drinks every time she accuses liberals of manufacturing the swine flu in some secret insidious laboratory to infect the masses and thus more effectively carry out evil acts of socialism.)

If more than 5 million viewers tune into “The Jersey Shore” weekly to watch Snooki’s poof get in a fight with some drunk person who, it’s reasonable to assume, doesn’t even know what the U.S. Congress is, then surely millions would tune in to watch John Boehner and Nancy Pelosi scratch it out in the hallowed halls of our nation’s capital.

Just think of it: The lame-duck Congress is out, and a newly elected Congress, which includes a brand-spanking-new Republican majority in the House of Representatives, is in. They are hip, controversial and conservative. Tensions are high. Susan Collins is feeling insecure about her bouffant, and the Senate recently defeated a $1.1 trillion spending bill.

The House is dimly lit — only a few spotlights to give the set a golden, somber hue. I’m thinking “The West Wing,” but darker, more sinister. I want to see every wrinkle, every painful memory etched into their aged and grotesquely made-up skin. Bill Pullman does dramatic voice-overs in his best Mr. Moviefone voice, while narrating each offensive action, every scandalous vote. Boehner sits at the front of the House, sporting his favorite color of decomposing pumpkin.

In this particular “episode,” the House has just killed a particularly controversial environmental reform bill. Republicans cheer; Boehner grins more than the characters on an episode of “The Brady Bunch.” Then — suddenly — “Lux Aeterna” from the “Requiem for a Dream” soundtrack starts to play. House Democrats pour in from the aisles. They wield leather-backed chairs and nunchucks. Pelosi chains herself to the House Chamber Desk, and it’s on. Fists are flying. Tom Price goes on a vicious rampage while brandishing the House’s eagle-topped ceremonial mace. The hall runs red … with blood.

Truly, this could be just what the political scene has been waiting for. Finally, something to lure in the younger generation — something to really get them interested in politics. I’m sure the CW Television Network would just love to get its greedy little paws on the rights to this show and broadcast it Monday nights after Gossip Girl. (They could advertise it as “a thrilling back-to-back two hours of vengeance and deceit.”)

In fact, there could be a whole line-up. Why stop with in-office politicians? Surely political pundits and news anchors have just as much suppressed rage. I’d love to see Ann Coulter and Bill O’Reilly fight it out — everyone knows they hate each other. I can just hear Coulter’s annoying Kim Cattrall slur right now (“You’re such a savage, Bill”).

Or what about Richard Nixon versus his entire “Enemies List”? It would start, of course, with Jane Fonda, who I’m pretty sure could kick Mr. Nixon’s ass.

There is, of course, one obvious caveat to this plan: There are a lot of old people in the media and U.S. Congress, alike. Both Houses average at 57 years old, so the risk of serious injury is increased. Whether this makes the television too graphic or instead elevates it to February-sweeps level is up in the air.

E-mail Molly at mog4@pitt.edu.