Bateman: After MLK day, now time to seduce ‘sweetie’

Now that you’ve survived Thanksgiving, Christmas and Martin Luther King Jr. Day, you need to… Now that you’ve survived Thanksgiving, Christmas and Martin Luther King Jr. Day, you need to buckle down for the next major holiday: Valentine’s Day. Since most of you guys are probably too focused on the gridiron exploits of hometown hero “Big” Ben Roethlisberger to search for a sweetie, we’ve decided to share some of our award-winning dating tips with you.

First things first. You have to zero in on the girl of your dreams. Although there’s a good chance that said dream girl is sitting right next to you in your Intro to Psychology class, there’s an equally good chance that you haven’t a clue how to go about talking to her. Well, here’s an easy opener for you: Find out her full name, friend her on Facebook and start posting comments all over her wall. She’ll eventually have to reply, and at that moment you’ll have your “in.”

Once she starts communicating with you, wow her with some witty banter. Top dating scientists like pick-up artist Mystery have discovered that women respond best to “negs” — targeted insults that cause them to feel self-conscious. Since most people don’t have highly developed senses of humor, you shouldn’t be too subtle with these negs. For instance, if a girl has crow’s feet under her eyes, tell her that she looks as wrinkled as a claymation California Raisin. Rest assured — she’ll eat up wisecracks like those as surely as if they were a handful of delicious California Raisins.

Now that you’ve got her laughing, it’s time to schedule the date. Few meals are as sensual as a big pizza dinner, so take her to one of those local pizzerias and buy a couple of $5 pies. If you’re both over 21 years old, try to find one that either sells beer or lets you drink it — nothing loosens up a girl quite like a case or two of Yuengling Original Black & Tan.

Goodness — we haven’t said anything about grooming yet! Since this is a college date, the dress can stay casual. You might want to consider upgrading those loose sweatpants to a pair of distressed denim jeans, but there’s no reason to go crazy here. Since there’s an excellent chance that she’ll be impressed by the various lies you’ll tell her about the all-star athletic career that preceded your phony knee injury, feel free to wear that tattered old high school sports T-shirt you’ve got, too.

If you really want to win her over, consider cultivating the secret weapon in every young male’s sexual arsenal — the goatee. It is common knowledge that women can’t resist these little beards, especially if they’re styled in a zany manner. Chinstraps, royales, moutees, French forks, ricos, and Van Dykes are just a few of the options here, but you’re assured of victory no matter which way you go.

Once she’s stuffed with pizza and beer, it’s time to step things up another notch. She might be in thrall to your distressed denim jeans and sweet new moutee, but the deal is by no means sealed. At this point, you’re going to have to move beyond negs and start making some pillow talk. A good way to prepare for pillow talk is by brushing up on things that women care about. You can discover most of this information by skimming glossy magazines like Us Weekly and People while you’re standing in the CVS checkout line. If you’ve been too busy mowing down innocent civilians during marathon rounds of Call of Duty 3 to leave the apartment, just mumble some stuff about Taylor Swift, the Kardashians and John Travolta’s new baby.

After you’ve treated her to the conversation of a lifetime, get down to business. Women love romance, and nobody knows romance like that dashing Bachelor Brad. Steal a trick from his show and hand her a single red rose, telling her that you’ve chosen her and you’re ready to spend the rest of your life with her. Then, as you begin to hum or perhaps even sing a song that’s been on the radio a lot, take your fingers and start giving her a deep scalp massage. She’ll melt like the Wicked Witch of the West and you can brag to your bros about how you’ve just had the best Valentine’s Day ever.

But what if this girl rejects you and your dreams don’t come true? Well, just defriend her and then proceed to tell those bros that you hit it and quit it. It’ll be our little secret, true believers.

Oliver Lee Bateman is the head pick-up artist at the Moustache Seduction Club of America. Visit the club at moustacheclubofamerica.com and learn the sexy, sultry tips that are guaranteed to put the twang back in your bow.