Christmas classics can be bizarre

My little sister has autism. At the age of 17 — going on 18 — she still believes in Santa… My little sister has autism. At the age of 17 — going on 18 — she still believes in Santa Claus and delights in Christmas specials. And like most children, Katie can enjoy a good Christmas movie not just in December, but whenever the hell she feels like it.

So although I might not be an expert on Christmas specials, I have seen a lot of them. I have seen a lot of them many, many times. I can sing the Heat Miser’s and Cold Miser’s theme songs from “The Year Without a Santa Claus” from memory without a prompt. I can also sing “Put One Foot In Front Of The Other” from “Santa Claus Is Comin’ to Town.” Or the Grinch’s theme song. You can only imagine what a hit this makes me at parties.

But despite my childhood attachment to and musical memory of these films, many of them are bizarre, depressing or even stuffed with anachronistic social messages. So, without further ado, I present the Five Weirdest Christmas Specials I Loved As A Child.

“A Charlie Brown Christmas”

The Charlie Brown Christmas special, in which the titular character searches for the meaning of Christmas amid the rampant materialism surrounding him, is a classic. But like most Charlie Brown specials, it is a classic that might make you want to eat a pint of ice cream — alone.

Though it might have been funny when I was a kid, nowadays watching Charlie Brown wilt under his classmates’ jeers of “You ruin everything!” just makes me feel pained. I’m not the first to feel this way: Charles Schulz admitted to receiving letters of outrage when he concluded the Peanuts comic strip without ever letting Charlie Brown kick the football that Lucy perpetually pulled out from under him. Deadspin.com’s Drew Magary condemns “A Charlie Brown Christmas,” calling it and similar shows “the animated manifestations of some asshole’s clinical depression” and complaining that it made his daughter sad for a week.

“Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”

With its lovable characters, classically wish-fulfilling misfit-becomes-hero narrative and adorable reindeer romance, this film is undeniably charming. But Rudolph is unflatteringly dated by moments of extraordinary sexism. “This is man’s work!” Rudolph’s father Donner tells Rudolph’s mother and love interest when they express eagerness to come along on the search for Rudolph. When they defy his wishes and set out to find him alone, they are captured by the Abominable Snowman. While this anachronistic line is hilarious to a modern viewer, it’s off-putting to watch with a kid who doesn’t know better.

“Rudolph” wins bonus problematic points for the song “Silver and Gold,” a touching musical number about the importance of bling.

“The Year Without a Santa Claus”

Based on a 1956 children’s book, “The Year Without a Santa Claus” explores the consequences of Santa’s becoming disillusioned with his work and taking a year off from his annual Christmas gift-delivering duties. His elves Jingle and Jangle go off in search of believers to prove that Santa is needed, but end up stranded in the small, creatively named Southern town of Southtown, where their reindeer is mistaken for a dog and taken to the pound. The mayor agrees to release their dog only if they can prove they are Santa’s elves by making it snow in sweltering Southtown on Christmas. Mrs. Claus must act as a diplomat between bickering brothers Heat Miser and Snow Miser to make the miracle possible. From the name Southtown to the conceit that a reindeer could be mistaken for a dog, this is a strange, strange film.

“A Christmas Story”

Admittedly hilarious, this Christmas cult classic about young boy’s yearning for a BB gun for Christmas is usually aired in 24-hour marathons on Christmas Day. I know several Jewish families whose Christmas traditions involve watching this movie and going out for Chinese. But despite its self-aware comedy and beloved status as the anti-Christmas Special, “A Christmas Story” is still totally bizarre — from the triumphant conclusion (the boy gets the BB gun, actually does come within inches of shooting his eye out, and nevertheless maintains that it’s the best Christmas gift he’s ever received) to that creepy, creepy leg lamp.

“Santa Clause is Comin’ to Town”

This Rankin/Bass special is the weirdest Christmas film ever. Presumably orphaned at birth, Kris Kringle is raised by elves and grows up to smuggle toys to the children of Sombertown, which is ruled by an emotionally regressed, toy-loathing dictator, for some reason named Burgermeister Meisterburger. Kringle wins the heart of the pretty schoolteacher Miss Jessica by giving her the doll she always wanted for Christmas. He and his friends are taken as political prisoners, escape, and have to run to the North Pole, where Kringle grows a beard as a disguise and takes his birth name Claus. Was this 1970 film supposed to be to be about the Soviet Union? In any case, despite its incomprehensibility to a grown viewer, this film is delightful for children, who aren’t used to seeing Santa as a dashing outlaw.