Bateman: The Moustache wish list

Since Christmas is right around the corner — goodness, wasn’t it just Christmas in July? —… Since Christmas is right around the corner — goodness, wasn’t it just Christmas in July? — we’ve decided to devote a column to our Christmas wishlist. Although we don’t expect you to run out and purchase all of these things for us, we wouldn’t stop you if you did. In other words, we’re trying to tell you that you should consider rewarding us for the 20 or so weeks that we have spent becoming the most important thing in your life — outside of unexpected diva Susan Boyle and courageous plastic surgery survivor Heidi Montag, that is.

US Weekly (Magazine subscription)

Since we’re the resident pop-culture critics here at the paper, we need to stay abreast of what’s going on with America’s best celebrities. Unfortunately, that’s hard to do during the 10 minutes we spend in supermarket checkout lines each week. Without a subscription to a glossy periodical like US Weekly, we’re often forced to guess about the things that are happening in the wider world. For instance, we noticed that Eva Longoria is getting a divorce. Is this true? Is she heartbroken? How is she dealing with the pain? We — and by extension you — may never know.

UFC pay-per-views (Any)

As we mentioned in an earlier column, we’re dedicated followers of our nation’s premiere minor league sports: the UFC, the NBA and the Pittsburgh Pirates. It’s easy enough to keep up with goings-on in the NBA by means of shoe commercials and the coin-operated version of NBA Jam that we purchased on eBay. As well, Pittsburgh Pirates tickets are available for pennies on the dollar. However, the UFC demands megabucks for the right to watch one goateed, tattooed redneck “triangle choke” another into reluctant submission. If you don’t want to put a ring on it, you should at least buy us access to a few of these ludicrous, lurid spectacles.

George Bush’s “Decision Points” (Book)

Look out, folks — it’s the first literary offering from Dubya aka the Straight Talk Express. We’ve heard that this book contains all sorts of nifty state secrets, such as who the Taliban really was, why there are so many taxes and so much pork-barrel spending and the truth behind Richard Hatch’s controversial victory on Survivor. Also, there’s probably going to be some stuff in here about Monica Lewinsky, O.J. Simpson, the dot-com bubble and why cargo pants became so popular.

Jersey Shore (DVD set)

We’re not sure if this is out on DVD yet, but if it isn’t, it definitely should be. It’s an instant classic because the episodes are stuffed to bursting with so much wit and so many jokes. Did we mention the wit and jokes? Lord, there’s so much of that. Also, we loved that life-changing moment when the one orange girl got punched in the mouth. Quick question: When is she going to fight the pugnacious little girl on Teen Mom?

“Death to the BCS” (Book)

The authors of this book apparently make a compelling argument for ending the Bowl Championship Series and replacing it with some kind of playoff, which is why we want to acquire and destroy as many copies of it as possible. Next to eating traditional Christmas fare like peppermint McRibs and eggnog-flavored Combos, watching the thousands of bowl games that are currently in existence is the great joy of our holiday season. Really, what could be more delightful than dozing through a GoDaddy.com Bowl matchup between two powerhouse programs like the University of Alabama at Birmingham and Eastern Michigan? The championship implications of such a contest are staggering to consider.

“American Pie” (Super director’s cut DVD)

As everyone with a pulse knows, “American Pie” amounts to nothing less than the greatest cinematic achievement since Al Jolson applied blackface and crooned the blues. What we liked most about it was the scene where the nerdy, naive kid humped the pie. It still makes us laugh, and it’s been years since we’ve seen it. Do you remember that scene? The only thing that would be a better gift than this DVD is an edited-together collection of two hours of just that one scene. Comedy at its finest, to be sure.

Tickle Me YouTube Fred (Toy)

Each Christmas season has a hot toy, and the Tickle Me YouTube Fred is rumored to be the big one this year. If you’re like us and have taken to heart the lessons of a hit movie like “Jingle All the Way” — where legendary muscleman Arnold Schwarzenegger battles Sinbad for a sought-after action figure — you’re unwilling to wait until the last minute to get the next big thing. That happened with the Furby, and boy, were we ever sorry. Losing out on one of those sweet-tempered talking monsters was the defining moment of our lost childhood.

Stephon Marbury Autographed “Starbury” Shoe (Collectible)

The Starbury line of $14.98 basketball sneakers is considered by discriminating “shoe hounds” to be the most underrated of the “kicks” available here in the good old U.S. of A. Stephon Marbury is considered by discriminating NBA viewers to be the greatest player who ever touched or even came within 100 feet of a basketball. Receiving one of these creations, signed by the man himself, would totally rock our world.

Oliver Bateman dispenses his unique brand of holiday cheer at the Moustache Christmas Club of America. Visit moustacheclubofamerica.com for your chance to win a limited edition Christmas miracle.