Bond: I want to be a fisherman

We are surrounded by plenty of distractions daily. The existence of websites like YouTube,… We are surrounded by plenty of distractions daily. The existence of websites like YouTube, Facebook and People of Walmart makes me wonder how anyone gets any work done at all.

But every possible distraction appears amplified a thousand times during finals week and the days leading up to it. I sit down anticipating a solid study sesh, and four hours later all I’ve accomplished is watching 12 of the 30 free full episodes of “The Hills” on Fancast.com. Useful.

This finals week, however, has brought on a whole new form of distraction in the realization that next semester marks the end of my career at Pitt. No, I’m not about to get sentimental. My view on sentiment kind of parallels my view on showering — both are only necessary for really important occasions. Just kidding. Maybe.

So no. I’m not sad about graduating. It’s just interesting to think that receiving an education is basically all I’ve known my entire life, and now that’s about to come to an end. I’m sure a lot of us are wondering what’s next — unless, of course,you’ve already scored a full-time paid position in the field you want, in which case I hate you more than I hate the effect Pumpkin Pie Pop-Tarts have on my figure.

If there’s anything I’ve learned in all my years of schooling, it’s that you need to have a backup plan. Well, it’s that and how showering every night isn’t as important as your mother let on.

Realistically, if we don’t find jobs after graduation in the fields we are currently studying, what are we going to do?

Don’t worry, I’ve thought about this longer than I thought about what to name my future child — no matter what sex it is, I’m calling it Frankie.

My backup plan for after graduation? Because the newspaper industry is a sinking ship, I’ve decided to climb aboard an un-metaphorical ship. That’s right. I’m going to be a commercial fisherman. Specifically, an Alaskan king crab commercial fisherman.

Although I’ve never caught a fish in my life, I can safely put “experience catching crabs” on my résumé and hope I don’t get asked if I’m talking about crustaceans or a sexually transmitted infection. Okay, I seriously am kidding about that one.

And even if I’ve never watched Discovery Channel’s “Deadliest Catch” or been on a boat more than a dozen times, I know that commercial fishing is grueling and dangerous. According to an article in Business Week called “Worst jobs with the best pay,” crab fisherman often work for 21 hours straight unloading 800-pound crab pots. In addition, “Injuries are common, and with the weather conditions in the stormy, icy Bering Sea among the worst in the world, falling overboard is common, too. Statistically, fishing is the most dangerous job in the country, with a fatality rate some 30 times higher than average.”

Despite these miniscule setbacks, I’ve also seen “The Perfect Storm” enough to know that at least my fellow fisherman will be extremely attractive like George Clooney and Mark Wahlberg.

In addition, the perks of being an Alaskan king crab fisherman greatly outweigh the high probability of being eaten by a shark. For example, crabbing season can last only a few days to a few months. While other fisherman might take on other jobs, this kind of schedule would leave me the entire rest of the year to do what I really enjoying doing — laying by a pool and reading People magazine while snacking on small cubes of cheese.

And although the crabbing season might be short, the payoff can be huge. According to Business Week, “There was always a top boat where the crew members raked in $50,000 during the three- to five-day king crab season — or $100,000 for the longer snow crab season.” That’s more than I will probably ever make in a year with my degree.

Of course it’s important to note that some seasons are not as successful as others — resulting in a loss instead of a profit.

Like any job, commercial fishing has its pros and cons. While you may consider a con something like a long commute, commercial fishermen have to consider falling overboard into a sea monster-filled ocean.

Nonetheless, I think this is a highly reasonable and appealing backup plan for me — so long as I get over my fear of the ocean, sharks, giant squid and long periods of time without seeing my chinchilla, Margaret Thatcher.

Unfortunately, getting into the commercial crab industry is difficult. The jobs are rare and generally filled by only highly experienced fishermen.

So if any commercial crab fishing captains are reading this, I’ll be looking for work come May. I might not have a lot of experience, but I think Discovery Channel would be more likely to feature you on “Deadliest Catch” if you had a cute, young girl on board — especially if my work uniform consisted of a bikini and rain boots. Also, I am low maintenance and have no problem not showering for days at a time. In fact, I prefer it that way.

If you wish Lexie would shower more frequently, e-mail her at lexluthorbond@gmail.com.