Bell: How not to use YouTube

In addition to adorable kittens and gravity-defying stunts, YouTube’s instructional videos… In addition to adorable kittens and gravity-defying stunts, YouTube’s instructional videos ensure that the site is the Internet’s capital of procrastination.

These videos are easily accessible resources for handling otherwise difficult undertakings. For instance, I retaught myself how to knit using the simple visuals and instructions from a woman with a soothing British accent. A friend of mine taught herself how to masterfully create 1940s hairstyles like pin curls and victory rolls. Another friend managed to avoid an essay for days by learning the “Single Ladies” dance.

But there are things that I — and I believe many people — would prefer that you did not learn how to do from YouTube. Some knowledge is best acquired through experience, and some is best not acquired at all.

Below are the top three skills you should not learn from YouTube.

3. How to make friends: “How To Make Friends at a New School” (Courtesy of Howcast)

First, I should mention that the above video is not aimed at individuals with disabilities that prevent them from normal social interaction. That said, the video has a few crucial errors. First, Howcast claims all you need is “confidence, courage, motivation, a bright smile and Internet access.” The video’s example of a “bright smile” is a horrifically awkward child with an uncomfortable grimace.

The video also suggests that you use social networking — a good step, except that they tell you to cram the school’s wall with photos, videos and blog posts so that people can get a feel for who you are. Remember that irritating kid in class who was constantly cutting the teacher off with input? This video suggests you emulate that online, presumably so you can annoy exponentially more people.

2. How to kiss: “The Wing Girls: How to Kiss”

The Wing Girls — Jet and Star — create weekly videos to help men in the dating world. Donning jumpsuits, the ladies offer suggestions like not keeping your eyes open and not completely engulfing your partner’s mouth. The girls claim to take the viewer from “kissaster to kiss master.” At the end they tout that they’re “your secret weapon,” presumably for picking up ladies. But, if you’re kissing someone like a trout — eyes wide open and mouth agape — stopping this behavior by no means makes you a kiss master. In fact, it puts you at “just average” in the world of people who have seen movies with higher than a G rating.

1. How to make explosives: “How to make improved Molotov cocktail”

Set to easy listening and classical string music, this video teaches the viewer how to make not just a Molotov cocktail, but a better Molotov cocktail. The man in the video is wearing a ski mask — the user’s first clue that what he is doing is not a good idea. Still, one must appreciate his attention to detail in explaining why he chooses his particular materials as an apparent connoisseur of homemade explosives. Whereas the comments — which discuss what gloves to wear to avoid fingerprints — are a bit worrisome, the fact that the video description says “Nothing special, but maybe interesting for newbies” is downright horrifying.

So there you have it: three of the things that most people would prefer you didn’t learn on YouTube. If you simply must look any of these up, however, please let it not be the one on Molotov cocktails.