Editorial: The pardoning of turkeys

Turkeys are notoriously evil.

In fact, they commit crimes so heinous that 50 million of them… Turkeys are notoriously evil.

In fact, they commit crimes so heinous that 50 million of them are given the death penalty every year, right around the third Thursday of November.

But some turkeys are more equal than others.

Since 1989, the president has pardoned one of those turkey terrorists each year.

Well, technically two are pardoned, in case one is unable to make all of its television appearances.

We’re not really sure what these lucky few birds have done to get pardons while the other 50 million are left to roast — or what crimes they committed to require pardoning to begin with.

As it turns out, the turkey that will receive pardon this year began his life of crime when he gobbled racial slurs against chickens.

He was also caught indecently exposing his wattle to important government officials outside of the White House.

But his story doesn’t end there.

This bad bird is also known for stealing from Saks Fifth Avenue and committing social faux pas like interrupting Taylor Swift at the Video Music Awards in 2009.

The turkey reportedly received multiple F.U.I.s after flying under the influence of Wild Turkey.

During his court hearings, the judge tried to make him go to rehab and he said, “No, no, no!”

So why does this turkey escape the chopping block?

We hypothesize that Obama chose to pardon this particular bird after the turkey publicly apologized on various talk shows, agreed to go to rehab and do a year’s worth of community service — mentoring young poultry.

Confused? So were we. Every year, the president pardons two turkeys around Thanksgiving. But why? What could the turkey have possibly done wrong?

It turns out the annual turkey pardoning dates back to the first Turkey Day of George H.W. Bush’s presidency, in 1989. According to the Washington Post, Bush said of the fowl, “He will not end up on anyone’s dinner table — not this guy. He’s granted a presidential pardon as of right now.”

We’re sad to say that the joke hasn’t evolved much since then.

After pardoning a bird named Courage last year, President Barack Obama said, “There are certain days that remind me of why I ran for this office. And then there are moments like this where I pardon a turkey and send it to Disneyland,” according to the Information Please Database.

And in 2007, The Washington Post reported that President George W. Bush “promised May the turkey that he would not be served with a side of yams on Thanksgiving. Nor would May’s pal Flower.”

He joked that these names were better than the ones the vice president suggested — “Lunch” and “Dinner.”

We hope we’ve helped you make sense of the tradition of the presidential pardoning of a turkey.

If we haven’t convinced you that all turkeys are crazy when set loose, perhaps you can enjoy Tofurky for dinner on Thursday instead.

Happy Thanksgiving.