Bateman: Indiana Jones V has best-thing-ever potential

According to some news clip we noticed while surfing the Internet, another Indiana Jones movie… According to some news clip we noticed while surfing the Internet, another Indiana Jones movie is in the works. Since the last installment was probably the worst film ever made, any suggestions for improvement would result in a better production. With that in mind, we have decided to offer our two cents’ worth by sketching out a plot for “Indiana Jones V” that is very now, very with it, very up-tempo, very au courant, very ’90s and very today. Very modern, too.

One of the things the last movie lacked was a good sidekick. Shia LaBeouf tried his best, but he’s really only watchable when he’s fighting giant robots and slavering over a scantily-clad, dead-eyed Megan Fox. Instead of having him reprise his role as the son of Indiana Jones, we believe that the part should go to Dane Cook. Why Dane Cook, you ask? To which we say only: Have you ever seen this man? He’s a jester nonpareil, the hottest college comic in the history of both colleges and comedians, and we have no doubt that he would infuse this role with the same unique brand of hilarity that has brightened millions of lives around the globe. Also, he has great highlights, and well-coiffed hair is important in a story like this one.

Indiana Jones also needs a better love interest. Since Harrison Ford is nearly 90 years old, just about any younger woman will do. A smart choice here would be either Queen Latifah or Mo’Nique. Both actresses are A-listers, and they will bring all the tools of their trade to bear in developing an “urban” or “street” identity for the film. Most importantly, the lovemaking scenes — which as any true fan knows, are the heart of an Indiana Jones picture — will be earth-shattering.

With a cast like this, there’s no reason to skimp on plot and high resolution special effects. “The Da Vinci Code,” which we believe had something to do with decoding da Vinci’s DNA in order to figure out who really wrote the dollar bill, captivated the entire nation a few years ago. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, so Indiana Jones should definitely go in that direction. Our use of “this direction” here encompasses Bible stuff, Masons, Anti-Masons, Hogwarts, Narnia, vampires, zombies, Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino, were-bears, traveling pants-themed sisterhoods, basketball shoes with air pumps in them, cyber-bullying and much more.

Perhaps the secret to the Holy Lance is hidden inside the ink that John Hancock used when putting his extraordinary signature on the Declaration of Independence. To get inside the ink, Jones will have to be reduced to microscopic size. Once there, he will be faced with a mind-boggling conspiracy that spans time and space but is nevertheless centered on the crucial year 2012. While confronting the truth about 2012, he and his fellow adventurers Dane Cook and Queen Latifah will be forced to search their souls to discover something that’s beyond imagination. We’re not sure what that is, but we can guarantee that it will change as well as challenge everything you know about Indiana Jones.

It almost goes without saying that this is a recipe for a successful reboot of the greatest movie franchise that doesn’t involve a nerdy, naive kid humping an apple pie. The only way our version of “Indiana Jones V” could get better is if other legendary franchises, like “Ghostbusters” or maybe “National Treasure,” are involved in the action. All of these amazing stories shouldn’t exist in isolation, and “triple crossing” them will lead to megabucks at the box office.

It’s not easy to make a great movie, but that hasn’t stopped plenty of them from getting made. Now that it appears likely that Dr. Indiana Jones is going to saddle up for one last ride, Steven Spielberg and George Lucas must fight the urge to cut corners. What we’ve laid out here has the potential to be the best thing ever, and that’s not something that happens all the time. Attention must be paid.

Oliver Bateman is the key grip and best boy for the Moustache Film Club of America. You can watch the Club’s latest short film at moustacheclubofamerica.com.