Bond: Billy Madison on college

It only takes a couple of “Ahhh, very nice”es to realize how annoying overused movie quotes… It only takes a couple of “Ahhh, very nice”es to realize how annoying overused movie quotes can be. There is even a Facebook group called “quoting movies excessively ruins the joke.” Personally, I would like to dropkick anyone who pulls out a “Run, Forrest, run!” or a “Houston, we have a problem.”

Despite this, I will admit that I speak in movie and television quotes. My sisters and I actually have entire conversations in movie quotes. Even my family dog is named after a line from Friends — when Phoebe changes her name to Princess Consuela Banana Hammock. I mean, we call her Nana for short, but even that is just ripping off the name of the dog from Peter Pan …

And while all the other Pitt News editors were trying to have a serious editorial meeting about voting, all I could think of was the Family Guy line, “Ohh hot, she’s voting,” from when Peter watched old-fashioned “pornography” of a dirty flapper girl.

For the longest time, I thought I was so clever for always being able to come up with an appropriate movie or TV line for any conversation. Now, of course, I realize that I’m simply jacking these lines and inserting them where my own original thoughts should be.

Maybe I’m not actually even funny, and I just watch too much TV.

And what good can really come of watching too much TV?

Unless of course, we can really find all the answers in big and small screen references.

This hypothesis needs to be put to the test. If there really is any movie that has all the answers, it has to be Billy Madison (BM).

Let’s apply the wisdom of the Adam Sandler film to college.

BM on college hookups: “I’m here to learn everybody, not to make out with you!”

BM on participating in class: “What you just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I’ve ever heard … Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it.”

BM on Biology: “Chlorophyll? More like borophyll!”

BM on skipping class: “If you’re gonna stay home today, you can help me shave my armpits.” “Oh my God, I’ll go to school!”

BM on not gaining the freshman 15: “Where’s my Snack Pack?” “You got a banana, you don’t need no Snack Pack.”

BM on cheating: “Any attempt to cheat, especially with my wife, who is a dirty, dirty tramp, and I am gonna snap.”

BM on being whipped by your girlfriend: “Don’t tell me my business, devil woman.”

BM on sharing with your roommate: “No milk will ever be our milk.”

BM on hygiene: “Shampoo is better. I go on first and clean the hair. Conditioner is better. I leave the hair silky and smooth. Oh, really, fool? Really.”

So maybe we can gain some valuable advice from movies and TV after all. Or maybe we just manipulate these lines to support either side of an argument, much like people do with lines from the Constitution.

But let’s face it — some of us are more skilled at applying screenplay advice than others, as my Billy Madison lessons will show you.

And if you think that advice from a fictional, entertainment source is not credible, I’d have to ask how it is any different than taking advice from the Bible — which can also be viewed as a fictional, entertainment source. Just kidding. Maybe.

If you think a column composed of 90 percent movie and television quotes is cheating, especially with your wife, who is a dirty, dirty tramp, e-mail

Lexie at lexluthorbond@gmail.com.