Bateman: Good health is the healthiest thing you can do for yourself

In a recent issue of Men’s Fitness, television mega-celebrity Mike “The Situation”… In a recent issue of Men’s Fitness, television mega-celebrity Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino offered eight hot tips for developing a body like his. Given that “The Situation” has a turkey neck, a hairless upper torso and nonexistent shoulder muscles, it is unclear why such a body would amount to a desideratum for anyone. Nevertheless, he got to co-author a column in one of America’s most popular periodicals. Since dispensing advice is our metier, we’ve decided to prepare a set of health tips for impoverished college students who can’t afford the glossy, colorful magazines that are sold at places like CVS and Rite Aid.

First, you must limit your carb consumption. Carbs are your enemy, and they’re hiding everywhere. That candy bar you love so much? Thousands of carbs. That ranch dressing-saturated side salad you used to buy at the Wendy’s on Fifth Avenue before that Wendy’s closed? Incalculable carbs. Even air has some carbs in it, which is why you’ll want to breathe sparingly and use nose strips whenever and wherever possible — FYI, this is why you see so many NFL players wearing those: They’re worried about eating too many life-threatening carbs.

Another thing you need to do is eat plenty of omegas. Omegas contain lots of health — way more health than carbs or sugars — and they’re often mentioned on Oprah’s television show. One way you can get omegas is through nuts, which are sold exclusively at Starbucks. Their nut monopoly is one of the reasons there are so many Starbucks in the United States — an unalterable fact of life that hot college comedians will never tire of laughing about.

The blue group — which includes blueberries, blueberry juice and blueberry-flavored Kool-Aid — is a great source of good stuff. According to research we might have seen somewhere, there are antioxidants in these products. What antioxidants do is assist in the war against oxidants, a struggle that has raged inside your body since before you born. With enough antioxidants, you’ll be ready to take your health stardom to the next level.

It’s possible that doctors have said that small meals are better than big ones, so you should focus on having between 15 and 20 “quick bites” per day. A good way to keep track of this is to individually bag 15 grapes, writing a number on each bag. After you’ve done that, eat the bagged grapes in numerical order. Between each meal, consume a gallon of water. This might seem like a lot, but do the math: The earth is nearly 75 percent water and your body is 98.6 percent water. In other words, you’ve got a lot of H2O drinking ahead of you.

After you’ve started eating right, you should focus on getting lots sleep. Fortunately for your purposes, college is the best place to do it. A good average is around 14 hours per night, and although that might seem like a lot, don’t tell us you can’t fit it into your busy schedule. One way you can get around the problem is to create your own vacation. If you have classes on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday but choose not to go to them, you’ve created a new holiday. Not only is this a healthy trick, but it’s great fun, too. Unlike in high school, where some crusty principal will track you down a la Edward Rooney in “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off,” your friendly neighborhood profs couldn’t care less if you take some time off during your college career. Besides, you’re paying for it, right?

Finally, you can’t reach optimal health without exercise. According to TV and the Internet, the most important body parts are the arms and the abdominal muscles. You’ll need huge “guns” if you’re a swoll bro on the prowl and thin, toned arms if you’re trying to look as classy as our First Lady. Abdominals come in handy when you’re trying to wear your midriff-baring shirts with your low-rise jeans.

A great exercise for the abdominals is the crunch. To do a crunch, lie down flat on the ground and bend forward a fraction of an inch. Do several thousand of these and you’ll be sure to feel the burn. One thing you’ll want to avoid is the sit-up, which uses a full range of motion and can make your stomach feel sore. You can tone your biceps with a wide variety of “As Seen on TV” products, ranging from adjustable dumbbells — available for the low, low price of $5,999 — to high-intensity Shake Weights that target all of those hard-to-reach areas.

As Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino made clear in his best-selling column, your health comes first. It certainly doesn’t come second or third, and there’s no way on earth you can live without it. College is a tough time for everybody, but that doesn’t mean you can’t achieve the body of your dreams. Once you’ve got such great health, you’ll never need anything else.

Oliver Bateman is a certified trainer at the Moustache Fitness Club of America. The Club is chockablock with secret health information, most of which you probably can’t find anywhere else. Go to moustacheclubofamerica.com and you’ll see what we mean. Panther CrossFit founder Zach Miller suggested the topic for this column.