Satire | ‘Silenced’ conservative voices found to actually be really loud and annoying

Earlier this month, Pitt’s chapter of Turning Point USA released a statement claiming that conservative voices are being silenced on campus as a result of the backlash against the “anti-trans” speakers coming to Pitt. 

To ensure the student body knew how silenced they are, TPUSA tabled in the Towers’ lobby to advertise their speakers, whose events the University never had any intention of canceling. Fearing their voices may be too quiet — or god forbid, silent — the organization hooked up a microphone and amp to blast their voices at volumes one might only expect to hear when standing on an airline runway.

Louden Prowd, a sophomore member of TPUSA at Pitt, believes the student body is discriminating against certain political views. 

“The left hates free speech — simple as that,” Prowd announced into the mic. “I mean, these guys are trying to silence us at every opportunity. They’ve spoken out verbally and through the press, they’ve peaceably assembled against us, and over 10,000 students have petitioned the University for a redress of grievances. It’s insane, and it’s not what the Constitution stands for.”

Prowd, continuing his monologue in what could only be a spiteful attempt to give the Towers population tinnitus, explained that the recent uptick in hatred toward conservative voices is a direct result of the controversial speakers scheduled in March and April. 

“My grandfather, Wighton Prowd, was a college conservative before me. He relished the days when students used to celebrate controversial speakers, many of whom would never be allowed on a college campus in today’s political climate,” Prowd said. “We need to celebrate these speakers before the cultural norm shifts the way it did with sexism and racism.”

The first of TPUSA at Pitt’s guests, Cabot Phillips, a writer and editor for right-wing news source the Daily Wire, spoke on Friday. After the event, he admitted that he felt embarrassed and insecure that the student body might not want to silence his voice as much as the other speakers.

Phillips recalled reading The Pitt News in the weeks leading up to his event, and he noticed a few stories did not mention his visit. 

“I was really nervous,” Phillips said. “I thought maybe I wasn’t being transphobic enough, and I wouldn’t get to play the victim like Gaines and Knowles would. I mean, what’s the point of spewing hate speech if I don’t get to act like I’m the one whose livelihood is in danger?”

Phillips said he was glad to see the protest outside the Cathedral of Learning the day of his speech. While he strongly disagreed with their message of equality and safety for every Pitt student, he breathed a sigh of relief knowing he can still pretend he’s oppressed.

The College Republicans, who participated in a recent debate with the College Democrats and will host their own conservative speaker next month, elaborated on Prowd’s point. They explained that people only want to silence conservative voices because they think conservative beliefs harm minority groups.

College Republican Ronald Reagan (no relation) reported that the conservative groups actually receive a large amount of support from minority groups online. Reagan, pulling out his phone and scrolling past novels worth of dissenting views, cherry-picked a few comments to share with the public.

Reagan read from his phone, “Aha! Look, snowflake_h8r commented, ‘I’m a gay Black man and conservatives deserve to have a voice too!’ And here, blondie.republican07 said ‘We Italians stand with the College Republicans.’ Oh, oh, and snowflake_h8r said ‘as a trans woman at Pitt, we cannot just silence people we disagree with!’ Hey, wait a minute…”

While the College Republicans search for more support, some conservative Pitt students claim they feel afraid to affiliate with official groups on campus because they don’t want to face the social ostracization that members have dealt with.

L., a first year student who asked to remain anonymous, said he was worried that if his friends knew about his political views, they would stop talking to him.

“This is always how it goes,” L. whined like a little baby. That’s what the L stands for, by the way. Little baby. He can’t do anything about it because he’s anonymous. “I bring up my conservative views — lowering taxes, supporting the free market, questioning the right of certain groups of people to exist — and suddenly my friends don’t want to hang out with me anymore.”

L. sees this as a disgusting double standard. “I just find it odd that when my friends live their own lives peacefully, it’s all well and good, but when I confidently bring up a one-dimensional argument on a topic I know nothing about, suddenly I’m ‘annoying’ and ‘generally unpleasant to be around.’”

While the conservatives remain steadfast in their campaign to convince the campus they don’t have a prominent voice, other students claim the groups are louder and more obnoxious than ever.

“Jesus Christ, I wish,” Emma Springs, a junior English writing major, said when asked if she thought Pitt was silencing conservative voices. “I’ve heard them more in the past two weeks than I have my entire time at Pitt.”

Thomas Riley primarily writes social satire and stories about politics and philosophy. Write to them at tjr83@pitt.edu