Kaback: Though eye candy, Vick doesn’t deserve cheer

I was never a very big pet guy. The only kind of pita I like has hummus in the middle of it and… I was never a very big pet guy. The only kind of pita I like has hummus in the middle of it and my favorite kind of dog is served with ketchup and relish and made by a guy on the street. I’m the kind of person who eats meat because, well, let’s face it, it’s really tasty. I love a good steak like Amy Winehouse loves cocaine and bad haircuts. You’d sooner see me spending 11 bucks on a post-“Signs” M. Night Shyamalan flick than standing in line for the vegetarian option. But for everything I do that would deface the great soy-based meal that all you vegans just made for dinner, I still can’t root for Michael Vick.

Now, I’m a huge football fan. Although my talents are restricted to simulating games of Madden, there is no better feeling than spending a Sunday afternoon not studying for exams. Outside of befriending Neil Patrick Harris, I can’t think of anything more exciting than watching my beloved Cleveland Browns win — unfortunately, both events have about equal chances of happening. But let’s be real, football entertains us like Michael Jackson: We love the performance, but we’re pretty sure that, eventually, somebody is going to jail.

Professional athletes have not always been immune to legal troubles. If there were a Jonas Salk of the athlete world, it would have to be Johnnie Cochran, who defended O.J. Simpson in his now infamous murder case. These days there’s a laundry list of athletes who can’t stay out of trouble any better than Ryan Seacrest can keep a fanbase.

There’s a reason that this article isn’t about football players in general though. As we live in Pittsburgh and as Ben Roethlisberger has just gotten permission to return to the field, it seems that I should be writing about why I can’t root for Big Ben. Well, I will never root for Roethlisberger. What he has been accused of is despicable  — but that’s not the point.

There is a striking difference that can’t be ignored between Ben and Vick: Roethlisberger is boring like a non-World Cup soccer game. Yes, he might be one of the top producers in the league, but he is still as dull to watch as a high school dance before the punch gets spiked. People watch Steelers games because they want to see the Steelers. When Roethlisberger was riding the bench, they still filled the stadium. Michael Vick is different.

Vick is a wonder to watch. He can run down a football field in Usain Bolt time and throw a football like France can throw in the towel during armed conflict. Vick dazzles on the field with his abilities and turns the game into a one-man show. He is elusive, strong and undoubtedly amazing. In fact, according to CNBC, his jersey was the fourth-highest seller over the 2009 offseason: The man hadn’t played a down in years! I was never a Falcons fan, but I used to watch Michael Vick.

With football, there are things that matter more than the game. I grew up in Ohio: I will always be a Browns fan. It doesn’t matter that week in and week out I’m watching some of the worst football in the league. Where else does that happen? There is loyalty in football to hometowns, alma maters and roots.

Vick has recently been handed the reins of the Philadelphia Eagles. According to an interview with NFL Network analyst Jim Mora, Vick believes that his time in prison changed him and made him realize his mistakes, Since his arrest and subsequent jail time, he really has done nearly everything asked of him. He sat through prison. He went MC Hammer bankrupt. He inadvertently gave huge press to animal-rights advocates. The last time animal-abuse cases were in the media this much, Paris Hilton had just bought her dog another purse. With this new starting role, Vick has the opportunity to really redeem his career and his life.

Unfortunately, nobody is going to find me cheering him on. It really was never about him making up for what he did. Vick was one of the handful of athletes that could transcend the loyalty of football fans. Football has always been more than a game. Our teams represent who we are as communities. He was the one player who could truly dazzle us. Then he just had to throw it away as if football were just a game. He can never make up for that.