Column | Finding who I am

For as long as I can remember, my goal to become a sports writer remained the same. And I got the opportunity to follow my dream at The Pitt News.

It didn’t always feel like a dream, though. In the fall of 2021 — with just three articles under my belt — I was named assistant beat writer for football. Filled with excitement, I couldn’t wait to get started.

Well, until Sept. 4, 2021, actually came.

I walked into the press box to cover Pitt vs. University of Massachusetts filled with anxiety. I began to overthink everything. I looked around at a bunch of journalists, who covered the team for decades, and wondered if I belonged.

I didn’t know the answer to that question.

I didn’t feel like myself a lot of the time. When I saw a lot of edits on my work, I would apologize because I thought it meant I didn’t write a good article. I didn’t give myself any time to acknowledge the progress I was making.

I lacked confidence in myself. I would always wonder if I was growing fast enough as a writer to accomplish that end goal of mine. I put so much pressure on myself that I didn’t allow myself to enjoy a lot of the great things that came with being a student journalist. I feared failure.

It went much deeper than my work as a writer — I let anxiety define me as a person. 

For much of last year, I didn’t recognize myself. There were days where just getting out of bed was a challenge for me. A lot of things were difficult — eating, sleeping, making friends. I felt very lonely. 

I was born and raised in Pittsburgh, but I felt lost in a place that I am so familiar with — a place I love. It felt like I was stuck in a rut and I couldn’t pull myself out of it no matter how hard I tried.

I didn’t know what to do, so I turned to sports. 

My passion for sports helped me overcome a lot of tough days. It became my escape. It’s how I take my mind off things. It energizes me. It gives me something to look forward to every day.

But most of all, it led me to become friends with some of the people on the sports desk, and they didn’t know it at the time, but they helped me through so much. The more I got to know them, the more I realized that I was surrounded by people that care about me and want what’s best for me. 

That changed everything.

The biggest thing that I will take from working here actually has nothing to do with writing. I wouldn’t have believed that a few years ago. The thing I will remember most is how special the people are.

They made me realize that I am not alone.

That’s why I love sports so much. For some, it’s just a game. For me, it’s a lot bigger than that. The friends I’ve made through my love of sports changed my life.

These past few years have taught me a lot. It’s OK to take a different route than others. It’s OK if you don’t have everything figured out. It’s OK to not be OK. 

Everything that I learned led me to become much more confident in my work. I know that I work hard and that I do belong. I also know it’s important to laugh, have fun and not take myself so seriously all the time. 

Most importantly, I am fully comfortable with who I am now when I couldn’t say that in the past.

As I write this, I’m not sure what the future holds for me. The uncertainty of it all is scary, but it’s something that I embrace. My anxiety still creeps in sometimes, but I don’t let it define me anymore. I’m excited to see what is next. 

Always remember that you are more than your bad days, and you are never alone.