Fresh Perspective | Have I Found What I’m Looking For?

Well, here we are again! It is a brand new semester, and the same old me. The last Fresh Perspective blog ended on a pretty depressive note, but a pondering one as well. To recap, I left my junior year of college feeling unmotivated about the future. I left myself with the question “What makes me feel alive?” and it took me a couple of months to figure that out. Now I bet you are all wondering if I did, and the answer to that is a big fat no.

Well, not exactly a big fat no. Let me explain. I left last semester with a lack of passion to dive deep and figure out what makes me want to get out of bed. In my head, I needed to have this big revelation that something was going to fall right into my lap and was going to whisk me away from this depressed pit I put myself in. 

Last year, I talked a lot about the struggles of growing up and trying to slow down time and halt every “grown-up” thing from happening to me. In my head, I wanted to stay in this fairyland headspace forever. I’ll be in college living in the same college house with the same best friends forever and nothing bad will ever happen to me! That right there is delusional thinking. 

I asked myself constantly over this past summer, “What makes me feel alive?” and I struggled to come up with an answer for you all. To be honest, my summer was not very glamorous. I spent most of my time behind my computer working at my internship. The other time I spent waiting tables to support my spending habits. This was the first summer I lived in Pittsburgh away from my family and my hometown friends. And even though there were some great parts of this summer, I was lonely. So I was forced to start thinking about the big question mark I put in my head. And here’s what I’ve come up with.

Life’s not about searching high and low for something to grasp onto that makes us feel something. It’s not this big idea that will just come to us and save us from our internal doom. Life is not always glamorous. It’s not always going to be filled with traveling, going to concerts and making amazing memories.

For the most part, life is mundane. It is boring. After I realized that I didn’t need to go searching for something, I started to feel better about my situation. I’ve started to look at the little details and parts of life that fill me with joy. My dog running towards me in the front yard. Hugging my parents when I really need a hug. Dancing with my best friends in our kitchen before going out. Listening to music. The feeling of excitement when something you’ve been looking forward to is finally around the corner. A really good coffee. 

The little pleasures and joys in life are what make us feel alive. Collecting little moments of what makes me feel alive is enough to get me out of bed in the morning, not some monumental thing I’m waiting for. 

In this stage of our lives, it is easy to get caught up in the big picture. What am I going to do after graduation? Will I get a job that pays well? Where will I live? Those questions can easily take precedence and cause monumental stress. So, take things little by little. Life is too short to be that serious.

Have I found what makes me feel alive? Yes and no. I just needed to open my eyes and appreciate the little moments that are happening now right in front of me. But I will always keep looking for little moments that make me feel alive because they will continue to come when I least expect them.

Julia Smeltzer writes primarily about mental health and college experiences. You can reach her at JMS647@pitt.edu.