Satire | Pittsburgh in the early days of the rapture

The end of days are nearing. Perhaps you have been too busy with your classes or your job to truly notice the signs, but judgment is nearing and we will All. Be. Judged. As the sun seeps over the horizon, glinting gold off of yellow bridges, turning the sharp currents of the Monongahela, the Allegheny, the Ohio into bright knifepoints, keep an eye out. The plagues are upon us. Here is what you must look for.

We all know that Pittsburgh is the modern-day ancient Egypt. Everyone is definitely always saying that. They had the Great Pyramids, we have the same thing except round: hills. They had the Pharaoh; we have Josh Shapiro — and if you think about it, they kind of sound the same, too. They have the Nile; we have the MonongahelaAlleghenyOhio, which is much cooler than the Nile. The most important thing we share is provoking the all powerful wrath of God. But, just how everything else looks a little different in Pittsburgh, so too do our plagues.

Before I reveal all the signs that you have missed thus far, poor soul, you may be asking yourself, why has Pittsburgh provoked the wrath of God? Is it because we’ve polluted our rivers with our own waste? Is it because we’ve continued to protect the right to abortion while our God-fearing Ohioan neighbors have banned it according to God’s very clear and not at all vague and confusing and controversial will? Is it because we put french fries on salad? Because that definitely has to be a sin of some kind. NO. No, I tell you! We endure the wrath for one reason and one reason only — Pittsburgh’s Annual Anthrocon.

The ten plagues are happening here and now. The end of days are beginning. And I am going to enlighten you. Plague One, water turning into blood. Now this is one of the more subtle Pittsburghian plagues. Avid readers will remember my colleague’s column from last year in which they ranked all of the water fountains on Pitt’s campus. After months of rigorous research, they ranked the water fountain in Baierl Recreation Center as “good,” which, you’ll note, is a raving review. But, this year, the water from the Baierl fountain has been lukewarm and metallic. Do those descriptors remind you of anything? That’s right, blood! Go take a sip for yourself and tell me it’s not exactly like gulping down mouthfuls of blood. They are indistinguishable.

Plague Two, frogs. I know what you’re thinking — I haven’t seen a frog in Pittsburgh ever. Oh yeah? Well what if that frog had feathers? And wings? And two legs? And was a pigeon? That’s right, pigeons are plaguing our city, people. And they’re bigger and meaner than ever! The other day, I witnessed a Pitt student walk directly into a pigeon the size of an American three-year-old. They’ve begun to grow. They’ve begun to stand their ground. This is the end for us all.

Plague Three, lice. Okay, so not many people know this but in the Bible, lice is just the old-timey way of saying bugs that bite. I have no source, but trust me, it makes sense. What do we have in Pittsburgh during these humid summer months? That’s right, mosquitoes! On top of that, West Nile Virus has been detected in some of Pittsburgh’s mosquitoes. And where is the Nile, everyone? Egypt! Boom!

Plague Four, flies. I have one word and one word only: Lanternflies.

Plague Five, livestock pestilence. Y’all remember Covid? Definitely a pestilence. And do you remember when world famous respected rapper Marshall Mathers aka Eminem said, “we ain’t nothin’ but mammals” in his iconic 2000 release, The Real Slim Shady? Well, he was right. We ARE the livestock. And Covid-19 was our pestilence. It’s kinda deep. Just think about that.

Plague Six, boils. I mean, the weather is boiling, am I right? God, my dad would have loved that joke.

Plague Seven, hail. Jesus, people, it’s summer, don’t expect all the plagues to happen at once. Give this one another two months or so. Then it will be winter, and we’ll definitely get hail and it will absolutely be a sign of the rapture and not just a normal meteorological occurrence for the season.

Plague Eight, locusts. Okay, I’m just going to go ahead and combine this one with Plague Four because they are swarming and overtaking the city, and they are the bane of MY personal existence. 

Plague Nine, darkness. Have you ever tried opening your eyes between the hours of 8 PM and 7 AM? And what do you see? That’s right, darkness.

Plague Ten, the killing of the firstborn child. This is just a threat. If you’re the oldest, I’m coming for you. Watch your back.

And thus concludes the saga of the Great Plagues of Pittsburgh. The end of days are coming and we’re all going to die a fiery and brimstoney death, woo hoo! I estimate that we have approximately 60 days until everything crashes and burns. Yes, that is mostly because my birthday is November 16, and I want to experience the end of the world as a person of legal drinking age. But, I have proved my reliability to you already, so just trust that estimate. Have fun repenting and building bunkers or whatever people do when the end of the world is coming. I’ll probably make a Trader Joe’s frozen meal and contemplate our descent into late stage capitalism or the military industrial complex or something. Anyway.

Be Prepared! God is Coming! And You Will Be Judged!

Toodaloo!

Anna Fischer writes about female empowerment, literature and art. She’s really into bagels. Write to her at ajf132@pitt.edu.