Casual Fridays

Casket case

Back in December, Johnny Morgan Lowe III’s family was on the receiving end of a wrongly committed six-foot plunder. After a grave error by a crime lab, Lowe’s family mistakenly buried Louie Caldwell during their closed-casket service. On Sad-urday, after the mortifying situation was finally sordid out, Lowe’s family buried the right man. Although Georgia Bureau of Investigation officials said the agency planned to pay for Lowe’s burial — morgue than they asked for — his family still had some dirty words.

That’s nuts!

Earlier this month, a dog in London suffered a harsh death by chocolate. After sun rays reflected off a Nutella jar lying on a windowsill, the blinds caught on fire, setting the house ablaze. Upon learning their misfortune, the family went hazel-nuts. When asked for comment, the homeowners said that they knew Nutella was pretty fire, and they wished they’d been more careful with such a hot commodity.

Bus (p)aide

A bus aide from Millville, N.J., was bus-ted last Friday for stealing lunch money and bagged lunches from preschoolers. Rosa Rios was caught yummaging through students’ backpacks on surveillance footage. Rios was charged with robbery, theft and gluttony and is currently being held on $70,000 worth of lunch money for bail. When asked for comment, Rios said she had it in the bag all along — it was like taking candy from a baby.

Chump change

During a house party in a gated Florida community earlier this month, a partygoer had a change of heart for the worse. The suspect stole $18,000 worth of nickels from the premises. The media was anxious to hear the plaintiffs’ five cents about the cents-less crime. While there was no word on whether they got their Nickelsback, it is rumored that the thief has enough funds to book Chad Kroeger for the next house party. Without a reward, there is no incentive for the community to find the culprit.

Cold case

Earlier this week, police in Hanahan, S.C., “arrested” Elsa from Disney’s “Frozen” for bringing a cold spell to the area. During questioning, cops asked Elsa, “Do you wanna build a prison?” She replied, “The jail never bothered me anyway.” Angrily, police told her not to let it go and not to collect $200 — she had to cooperate — or Elsa. The snow queen was released without charges, though, when the main evidence — a frozen fountain — thawed.