Bateman: Elections are important, and you should too

According to some website that everyone uses to cheat on homework,  some of the most important… According to some website that everyone uses to cheat on homework,  some of the most important rights enjoyed by college students include the right to party, the right to sleep until noon and the right to vote. Of these three, the right to vote is perhaps the least understood. MTV and other networks rely on top celebrities like Diddy and Ke$ha to rock the vote, but surveys show that fewer than one in 1,000 people under the age of 30 have ever participated in an election that wasn’t hosted by Simon Cowell. Given our commitment to raising consciousness, the Moustache Column of America has decided to produce a guide to the 2010 elections that will inspire this apathetic Pepsi Generation to put aside its Playstation 3 controllers and handheld poker games and cast its ballots for change.

Government

There sure is a lot of it, isn’t there? And what does it really do? Let us lay it out straight and true for you: Nobody knows. Those college boys just sit up in their corner offices in the capital city and crunch numbers. All day long, they’re crunching numbers. But why? What has the government ever done for you? Still, the government should do twice as much as it does now, regardless of what that is. When you’re voting this fall, in October or November or whenever people vote, you should keep this in mind.

Taxes

Taxes are one of the big issues in this election. There are either too many of them or too few — it depends on the situation. Taxes finance pork, which is what spending bills are full of, and this leads to gridlock. Almost all taxes are directed at the middle class, so you should vote for any politician who promises to reduce the burden on these long-suffering people.

The economy

Boy oh boy, this economy! It sure isn’t like it used to be, is it? Remember when a man could earn an honest wage for an honest day’s work? Things were a lot simpler back then, when there wasn’t so much gridlock, a decent hot dog cost less than 50 bucks and people weren’t building all these mosques to nowhere in Alaska.

Health care

Health care is a top problem for all of us. You can’t even go to a hospital nowadays without having to sign over the mortgage to your house — and that’s just to get treatment for the common cold. When you’re casting this vote of yours, make sure you vote for politicians who promise to put our lazy scientists to work developing improved health. The current state of American health just isn’t cutting it, what with the indigestion, erectile dysfunction and hair loss we’re facing today. Once we get this better health out there, we can just do away altogether with the hospitals.

Tort reform

Most of us have heard the horror stories about those greedy lawyers out there. Our courts are overloaded with frivolous lawsuits while the guiltiest criminals never even set foot in jail. You need to vote for a candidate who will put a stop to that with some honest-to-goodness tort reform. After all, do you really want a five-time child molester winning a pot of gold because he spilled some hot coffee on his lap?

Gay marriage

Gay marriage is a hot topic these days, especially with the straights. At first we thought it was a great idea, but then we realized that once gay people start marrying, there’s a good chance they’ll take all of our eligible ladies. Have you ever watched that show where gay men teach those straight slobs how to dress and maintain their filthy apartments? Once gay men get out there on the dating scene, straight men will have zero chance with the world’s most eligible bachelorettes. Keep this in mind when you’re casting that precious vote.

Cola Wars

The Cola Wars have been raging since the 1960s, with no end in sight. Millions of uncompensated survivors have claims for damages, ranging from people who experienced mild stomach indigestion after drinking Coca-Cola with Lime to the unfortunate few who suffered post-traumatic stress disorder from Pepsi’s covert Crystal Pepsi project. Since you can only vote once, you should vote for a candidate who is willing to demand accountability from these evil corporations.

Glenn Beck

It seems like Glenn Beck is everywhere, including Washington, D.C., and your television set. We think he’s running for president against the various communist-socialist-fascist-progressives who have been secretly running this country since Lincoln’s assassination. Although we admire his flattop and chipmunk cheeks, we don’t want you to vote for him. He’s crazy!

Governor of Pennsylvania

This is a hotly contested race between two people of whom you’ve probably never heard. One of these two people raised taxes on booze in Pittsburgh, so as a good, self-respecting college student you should vote against him. We have it on good authority that his completely unmemorable opponent is a real sweetheart.

The issues that matter to college students

If you’re like everyone else in the 18-to-24 demographic, you probably want legalized marijuana, more lenient DUI laws and less sass from your parents. We’re sure there are candidates who support these things, so figuring out who they are should be your top priority.

If you’re wondering whom we’re going to vote for, you’d better take after Zach Galifianakis, and “Check yourself before you wreck yourself.” Why should we vote now and throw our vote away? You get only one vote per election, and we’re saving ours up for a contest that really matters: Celebrity Survivor. The smart money is on Joey Fatone.

Oliver Bateman was elected president of the Moustache Club of America in 2002 and has held the position ever since. The MCoA prides itself on its astute political commentary, particularly with regard to the lottery. Between your fact-finding trips to Wikipedia, be sure to visit the Club at moustacheclubofamerica.com.