Satire | Comparing Pitt football players to their monster counterparts

With Halloween upon us, I thought some Pitt football players might need costume advice. What follows are my suggestions, seeing as how each of these players are somewhat reminiscent of their respective monsters. 

The Werewolf — M.J. Devonshire 

Just like the mythical creature that prowls the night, senior defensive back M.J. Devonshire has a knack for transforming. When the full moon is out and the lights are their brightest, Devonshire becomes an entirely different animal on the football field. His ability to get his hands on the ball is impressive, but like the mighty werewolf, his speed is what’s truly to marvel at. In what feels like four strides, he can find his way to the open field, and then no one has a chance at catching him. His pick six against West Virginia last year and again against Louisville this year are both examples of his ferocity under the moonlight. 

Frankenstein’s Monster — Gavin Bartholomew 

After dealing with injuries in 2022, junior tight end Gavin Bartholomew was rebuilt this season. He was put back together piece by piece and revived in time for 2023. So far this season, he has excelled, but that is nothing new for the star tight end. He works most effectively in the pass game and is continuously improving his blocking capabilities. At 6-foot-5 and 250 pounds, he even has a build similar to the hulking monster. If Bartholomew can stay healthy, he’s looking at the best year of his career by far and growing into Pitt’s top playmaker on offense. 

The Mummy — Devin Danielson

The ancient mummy has existed for thousands of years, guarding his station with vigilance — and so has senior defensive lineman Devin Danielson. With 57 career games under his belt, Danielson is cemented as a stalwart of the Panthers’ defense. His intensity is as strong as ever as he continues to play with fervor and passion. Danielson was with the team during some of its most memorable games, such as winning the ACC Championship in 2021 and winning the Backyard Brawl and the Sun Bowl in 2022. The Panthers will certainly miss Danielson when his collegiate career comes to an end. 

The Invisible Man — Braylan Lovelace 

The Invisible Man may go unseen, but his impact is there nonetheless. This rings true for first-year linebacker Braylan Lovelace. He does not receive praise from the media or fans quite like some of his teammates, but Lovelace surely deserves appreciation. Against Virginia Tech this year, he recorded a tackle for loss, a fumble recovery and eight total tackles. Hopefully that game can serve as a jumping-off point, setting up the first-year for a successful and prolific college career. If his play continues to improve, this invisible man

won’t have to wait long before he’s very visible.

Michael Myers — Dayon Hayes

Michael Myers is known for his unrelenting and unwavering pursuit of whoever gets in his way, and senior defensive lineman Dayon Hayes is playing the same way in 2023. He is second on the team with 5.5 tackles for loss and has two sacks on the year. Add to that five quarterback hits and two pass breakups, and you have a defender that opposing offenses can’t ignore. Standing at 6-foot-3 and 265 pounds, Hayes is as physically intimidating as the masked slasher. With Myers, it seems like a foregone conclusion that he is going to get his victim, and with Hayes, he is going to get the quarterback. 

Freddy Krueger — Kenny Pickett

Why am I comparing Kenny Pickett to Freddy Krueger? Because Pickett lives in my dreams, that’s why. Unfortunately, they both also haunt my dreams. Gone are the days of Pickett to Jordan Addison for touchdown after touchdown. Pitt’s offense has struggled since Pickett was drafted, and that is putting it very, very lightly. Sophomore quarterback Christian Veilleux looked promising in his first two starts, however. Hopefully he can continue to improve and bring Pitt’s offense back. Until then, I’ll continue to dream of Kenny Pickett and the Heisman he should have won. 

Well, those are my picks. Happy Halloween and Hail to Pitt!