Satire | No more sexy costumes, only chaotic nightmare fuel

Have you ever seen a TikTok — or, if you’re less cool, sexy and fun, an Instagram reel — that you know will haunt you for the rest of your life? I recently fell victim to such an experience, and every night before I go to bed, I see this image plastered onto the back of my eyelids. That’s right, ladies, gentlemen and nonbinary friends, my newest sleep paralysis demon is that one girl who dressed up like anthropomorphic Perry the Platypus. Watch at your own risk.

But my newfound abject horror at such a chaotic Halloween costume got my gears turning. Infamous Lindsay Lohan character Cady Heron once said, “In girl world, Halloween is the one day a year when a girl can dress up like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it.” But I urge us to ask, what happens when we forgo our yearly slutification for something more… memorable? Because this year, I’m going for memorial longevity, and sexy is not going to get me there.

Don’t get me wrong, I love dressing to impress for Halloween, but I think we need a better balance between sexy and the most horrific, scarring costumes of all time. Now, I’m not talking horrific as in spooky blood and gore costumes, though I respect that grind too. I’m talking unhinged Gen Z chaos, crimes against nature — see aforementioned Perry. I’m talking about wanting to walk in a sorority house, and every single girl there is dressed like Shrek. I’m talking about a friend group where everyone is a different bald celebrity. I’m talking about dressing up as your grandfather’s urn and handing out unpackaged Fun Dip as ashes — dark, but that’s what we’re going for, people! Scar your friends and family! Make sure they’ll never forget you! Assert dominance!

Not only will the most unhinged costume make you the most interesting person at the party, but it also displays a level of confidence that you can use to frighten your peers into respecting you. Sure, it takes confidence in oneself to be hot and sexy and strut your stuff, but it takes an almost delusional level of confidence to dress up like President Joe Biden’s Dark Brandon campaign mug and shake your ass to “Gasolina” on the dance floor. Don’t you want friends and strangers to hold deep reverence, fear and respect for you? Then you know what you have to do…

Now, here’s where the nuance comes in. Frequently, sexiness can be utilized to curate a traumatizing costume. Let us return to our ever-reliable Perry the Platypus example. No one can deny that her skin-tight blue leotard and her 2016 Kylie Jenner blue hair moment is sexy. And that’s what makes the platypus bill, painted face and fedora so deeply uncomfortable. The sexiness is a key component for amplifying the uncanny valley of the costume. So, if you’re looking for the best of both worlds, your costume may lie in the realm of yassified Neil deGrasse Tyson or your dad but hot. And to all my men out there, Halloween is not just slut era in Girl World, but in the Kendom too. If you have the urge to wear any costume that justifies having your shirt off like the classic Greek god or WWE fighter, I appeal to you to join us in our costume revolution. If you want to take your shirt off, fine, but I expect you to glue googly eyes on your nipples and be Mr. Potato Head, okay?

This year, Halloween is for the unhinged, the chronically online and the straight-up weird. Whether it’s your senior year and this is your last-ditch effort to get yourself a Pitt Missed Connection, or you’re a first-year and you want to make a lasting impression on all your new, hip college friends, the key to it all is whipping out the strangest, funniest and, most importantly, most upsetting costume that you can. For those of you who are a little stuck, here are some ideas that my friends and I came up with, but decided not to execute.

• Every person dresses as a different Ben Stiller character, but you MUST embody that character the entire night.
• A three-person horse costume, but the middle person must be held horizontally in between the first two for the whole night and the entire costume is made out of homemade papier mache.
• All of us dress as young versions of our mothers but we’re only allowed to hook up with people who look like young versions of our fathers (dubbed “the Oedipus complex”)
• Everyone is an alpha male podcaster but you’re actually recording every conversation (with consent, of course) and we all listen to it the next day.

If none of these speak to you, feel free to reach out to me, and I will provide you with a perfectly curated, unhinged nightmare-fuel costume tailored to you. Happy Halloween — may the worst crime against nature prevail.

Anna Fischer writes about female empowerment, literature and art. She’s really into bagels. Write to her at ajf132@pitt.edu.