Satire | Peaking in college — An analysis of anguish

Everyone, otherwise known as Disney Channel original movies, tells us that high school is supposed to be the best time of our lives. Then we graduate, and they say college is supposed to be the best time of our lives. I’m beginning to suspect that the best time of our lives is in our late 230s, but that the science to keep us alive that long isn’t there yet. If only the Galapagos tortoises would tell us their secrets. Alas. 

Nonetheless, “peaking in high school” is a common diss people like to use to disparage people that had more friends than them in high school. Usually it refers to the quarterback who didn’t go to college and got a girl pregnant and spends all of his — or her — time mourning the past, what might have been and when yogurt came out of a tube. What a dork, huh? Who cares that he was prom king while you didn’t go to prom because no one would agree to go with you even “as friends” for the fear that people might think that they actually like you? 

You certainly didn’t peak in high school. All you did was fall lower and lower into a cavern. Like, if life was a mountain, and peaking was being at the top, you were even lower than the bottom. But that’s good! That means there’s nowhere to go but up! And up you went, all the way to college. Congratulations. Now you have options! 

You can get a career and a house and a car and a borderline problematically young, hot wife, right? The American dream is right in front of you. It’s so close you can smell it! And sure, it smells like a Wendy’s bathroom after “Buy one get five chilis Wendy’s Wednesdays,” but that’s just what makes this country so great! Chili is good! And though beans are good for your heart, you know what they say, “A little knowledge is a dangerous thing, but it’s not one half so bad as a lot of ignorance.” “They” being Terry Pratchett, of course. 

Aw. But you forgot, didn’t you? It’s not 1923 anymore, it’s 2023! There are no more careers, houses or wives. Just internships, sublets and — bleh — feminists, taking all the jobs and the women for themselves. At least men still reign supreme in the home ownership field, I guess. But these days, in this upside down world we live in, you don’t need a college diploma — literally everyone has one, so you’re not special. You need skills. And one of your parents to own the company. Barring that, you might be screwed. This might be the last time in your life you’re not working every moment of your day just to come home to your old room in your parent’s house at the end of the night. Is this it? Is college really going to be the best time in your life? 

Assuming you’re in a similar place to me right now, you’re having a great time at college! You’ve got friends, all of whom live within walking distance of you. You’re in some fun clubs, full of weirdos with the same interests as you. You’ve got academic validation, which really is a tremendous substitute for a mother’s love despite what your crackpot therapist keeps trying to tell you. Just kidding, you don’t have a therapist! If you know one that takes dining dollars, hit me up. But, overall, you’re doing great! This is the best your life has ever been. But, you know what that means. With the markets and the Dow “Junie B.” Jones, as I like to call it, going how they’re going, this could be it for you. No beach house in the middle of the ocean. No job keeping you away from your loved ones for 60 hours a week with no overtime pay. Just dodging questions for every holiday from now until you die, hoping your great-aunt doesn’t find out you’re a failure. Maybe it would have been better to have never tasted the greatness that you found in this moment. 

Having plans multiple times a week, skipping class because it’s too nice outside, knowing who you’re going to hang with when the rapture starts — you may never have this freedom, or joy, again. Have you considered investing in crypto? It’s all the rage with the kids these days. I’m not very familiar with it, but from what I understand, it’s like a modern day “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” thing, but instead of chocolate bars, it’s MacBooks, and instead of a golden ticket, it’s bitcoin and instead of opening it and eating it, you get a pickaxe — this is where the “mining” happens — and destroy the MacBook. With the pickaxe, if that wasn’t clear. It’s pretty expensive to start with, but once you find a bitcoin, you can buy more MacBooks and destroy them and find even more bitcoins. No need to thank me, I’m just such an empath that it’s hard to not give all the time. 

Can you tell that I don’t have any real advice about peaking in college? If I knew what to do about it, I wouldn’t be writing this. My five-year plan is to be rich and famous, so, maybe just do that? Or be a nurse or something, I don’t know. This is the best my life has ever been, and I’m still miserable. Isn’t that crazy? What’s wrong with me? Why am I using this public forum as a diary? Sounds like peaking in college is the least of my troubles, huh? Well, as they say in France, “ça va pas du tout” — “it’s not OK at all.” I’d say I should work less and take fewer classes, but I need money to keep up my lavish lifestyle of being alive, and this is somehow me at 12 credits when I took 18 last semester. I’d say good luck if you’re about to enter the real world, but the world’s a stage so good luck is bad luck, so, y’know. Break a leg! 

Alaina McCall writes things. They would rather be a lighthouse keeper than do whatever they’re doing now. You can reach them at mccallalaina@gmail.com