Kozlowski: Drivers, pedestrians in Oakland a special breed

Just as schools in Oakland like Pitt, Carlow and Carnegie Mellon universities are fine places to… Just as schools in Oakland like Pitt, Carlow and Carnegie Mellon universities are fine places to get an education, so are the street intersections.

As the threat of tests and projects at school can knock some sense into your head, so can the threat of getting run over by a vehicle. North-Central Oakland is home to some of the most, uh, inventive driving and pedestrian behavior this side of Rome, and said behavior is more interesting than the Nullification Crisis of 1832.

The record for the five-lane dash was no doubt set on Fifth Avenue against traffic, and the peculiar tradition of the Pittsburgh Left is alive and well. Around here, some people treat a red light as not so much a command to stop as a suggestion to pray a cop is not nearby as they gun their way through the intersection. The duel between pedestrians “jay-sprinting” and drivers following local customs beats bullfighting for dramatic action. The “Running of the College Students” should be a yearly event to bring in tourist dollars.

The question ­— other than “Did anyone catch a license plate number?” ­— is “Why?” Why are road relations so wild?

It’s simple. Drivers are lost. Not only lost, but exasperatedly unsure which streets are one way, whether the through lane in this intersection suddenly turns into a mandatory left in the next block and whether a small mistake might not be correctable before you reach Robinson Township. So, corrections have to be made on short notice, without signaling.

Of course, being lost often means being late. Pittsburghers, being polite and considerate, cannot bear the thought of tardiness. So they speed to compensate and don’t want to be troubled by red lights. For first-year students and virgin Oakland drivers, allow me to present “How to Walk and Drive (Terribly) like a Local.”

Driving: The key to a successful driving experience is to remember that everybody else on the road is lost too. Don’t feel too guilty about cutting across several lanes — it isn’t that unexpected. In fact, the other drivers were thinking of doing exactly the same thing. So the focus should be on avoiding a merge into the same space, not on what the person behind you is going to do. On the expressways, most of what they told you about following distances in driver’s ed class is not to be fully believed. Three full seconds of following distance? Bah! Who wants to wait three seconds before hitting someone’s fender? Two seconds generally cuts it.

Two practices must be constantly obeyed: the Pittsburgh Left and the Pittsburgh Yield. The Pittsburgh Left is quite versatile. If you are first in line at a red light, when the light turns green, whip into the left turn before the opposing traffic begins to move. Opposing pedestrians? Well, hopefully they’ll remove that feature from the traffic lights where the “walk” sign goes on before the green light. While the Pittsburgh Left is optional, the Pittsburgh Yield is mandatory. When on the expressway, try not to leave a large, empty space in front of your car when you want the person merging from your right to enter that space. They suspect a trap, see, and will not squeeze into that gaping six car lengths for fear that you will suddenly hammer on the accelerator and have a good laugh at their expense. It’s best to leave only a one-and-a-half car length gap, and do so grudgingly. Then they will know you are for real.

Pedestrian-ing like a student: Crosswalks are for suckers. And squares. And people who allot more than three minutes to get from the Cathedral to Chevron. So why bother? Just waltz across the street wherever and whenever you like. Yes, the Man dictates you might have to run sometimes. But it is your job to stick it to the Man whenever possible. Those who especially want to escape the ennui of everyday life can try crossing while listening to molten-death-black-hard-rock-metal on their headphones while reading a magazine and sipping a latte.

Pedestrian-ing safely: Trust no one. Trust no signals. Trust a traffic cop at your own risk. One-way signs are not all they seem. It’s sort of like Stalinist Russia without the Gulags and propaganda posters. Run for your life.

Contact kozthought@gmail.com when jaywalking at your favorite location.