Satire | How to recover from the stress of the holidays

While many students may have found winter break to be a fun and relaxing respite from the chaos of the school year, the rest of us just want to forget everything that just happened. Whether it was the stress of constantly being surrounded by our loving families, day after day of beratement from people we thought had finally matured but seem to instead be worse than ever, or learning family lore we could never have prepared ourselves for, many of us are considering not venturing beyond Oakland ever again. At least, definitely not during the holidays again. So, if you find yourself in the “school is the break from my disaster of a life” camp, here’s a tried and true list of ways to recover from having to remember why you moved away to begin with, from an old pro. 

1. Retail therapy

Spend all your Christmas money online shopping. Sure, it’s poorly made clothing that’ll last a month tops. But you can’t beat those prices! And, maybe wearing stylish clothing will make people like you more! Like, probably not, but maybe! 

2. Watch the new “Wonka” movie

Yeah, it’s not “Citizen Kane,” but it was fun enough. Honestly, not as bad as I was expecting. It was one of the few times I laughed and forgot about my worries during this “break.” And Timmy Shall-Shall is just soooo fine that he makes you forget how unnecessary a Wonka origin story was to begin with. We get to stare at his little almost-stubble for two hours! Nothing can beat that. 

3. Self care

Sacrifice a virgin in the forest. Hell, sacrifice two! You’ve been through a lot. You deserve it! You deserve everything. Including a favor from a demon. I’ve heard that you can even get an iPhone 100 this way. The only downside is that they won’t offer Apple Care for it until September of 2109. And you’ll lose your immortal soul. But it comes in real gold! That’s probably worth it. 

4. Watch “Goodfellas” for the fourth time this month

This one’s just a little treat for so expertly bouncing back from all of that. You’re literally slaying so hard right now. 

5. Envision yourself as a happy, complete person

A person who can spell envision without autocorrect. No, seriously. Picture it. No typing an “i,” backspacing it, typing an “e,” then just saying screw it and going back to the original “i.” Then you finish the next word, see no squiggly lines, and think, “Hey! I did it!” Then you type the third word and realize what a failure you are. Do you feel like a happy, complete person yet? 

6. Get a head start on the new semester

Buy that new agenda! You’ll totally use it this year! And those Yoobi mini highlighters you bought three years ago. People can change! Not your family, but people! 

7. Talk to friends or something

“Or something” means masturbate. 

8. Try to be normal

Take a whole bottle of Xanax and walk along a river in the dark. This has never failed anyone’s holiday stress recovery process before. I’ve heard that you can only do this once, and that it’s a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but, at the same time, YOLO, y’know? 

9. Make resolutions

You’re obviously better than everyone, so this might be hard, but there must be at least one thing you can improve upon. Maybe you’d be a better person if you knew how to play the xylophone. You’ll never know until you try. 

10. Did I mention that I got a jump rope and a harmonica and an orange for Christmas?

I mean, I like all of those things, but it feels like something someone would have gotten in the ‘50s. Like, picture “Happy Days.” Richie or Joanie definitely got all of those things for Christmas one year. Not a complaint, just an observation. 

11. Commit a crime

Elaborate bank heists are fun. Allegedly. Or, if you get caught spray painting, you can be charged with criminal mischief, which sounds too fun to not try to get on your record. I’ve never hijacked a bus before, so I don’t know how stress relieving it is, but it just really feels like it would set me up for a good semester. Give it a shot and get back to me! I’m not liable for anything you do, though. For legal reasons, this is a joke. But do it. 

12. Lie to yourself

Literally just pretend like nothing that happened actually happened. Tell everyone about the cool new Air Force 1’s you got for Christmas and not about anything else that occurred. For example, you could say, “Hahahaha yes I had a relaxing break and I’m normal and good right now!” People eat this up. 

13. Make new friends in class

Tell them all about how you think the high suicide rates around the holidays aren’t from people sad that they’re alone this time of the year, but are, in fact, from people being forced to see the people they worked so hard to get away from and the trauma and pain induced by that experience. 

So! There you go! “Thirteen Reasons Why” did it first, but I may have done it best. Thirteen tips, ribbed for your pleasure, to assuredly fix every single thing wrong inside of your head right now. Congratulations. You’re welcome. And since I’m spitting bars, here’s a bonus tip disguised as a conclusion paragraph. 

Side B: 14. Consider how far you’ve come 

I bet it hit the other wall. Ha. You’ve accomplished so much! And you’re so lucky. You’re not stuck there. And you’re not going back anytime soon. You can have peace and quiet. And leftovers in the fridge for more than a day without someone else eating them. And joy. Real joy. You’re sane. And you made it out. And I love you. You’re doing a great job. Keep going. You’re not Sisyphus. You’re The Little Engine That Could. 

Alaina McCall writes things. They would rather be a lighthouse keeper than do whatever they’re doing now. You can reach them at mccallalaina@gmail.com