Poetry | Lover and Liar

I tend to sound like a broken record at times.

It seems as if every time I open my mouth, I stumble over my own words.

Even if I don’t have much to say, it just happens.

I get lost when speaking my own thoughts.

That’s been happening a lot lately.

I don’t know if it’s because of the breakup.

It probably is — actually, it most definitely is.

I just don’t want to accept it completely.

I’ve been told not to fix something that’s already been broken.

Even more specifically, things that have been broken for a bit.

Trying to fix it won’t change the other person’s mind. 

But at least I know that I tried.

Some of my friends think my writing is harsh.

But I’m intending for it to sound like that.

Especially because of what I went through.

All I want to do is get my point across.

I guess I’m a bit of a hopeless romantic.

You ruined my perception of love for a bit.

I don’t know how long it will take for me to feel OK again.

I hope it doesn’t take too long.

I hope someday you look back on everything.

Maybe you’ll start to question your actions.

Maybe you’ll start to question why you really ended things.

Who knows … because I don’t.

What we had seemed so real.

Maybe I fell for you too hard.

You let me fall for you like that.

You seemed to fall hard for me, too.

You know my insecurities.

You know the bad parts of me.

I told you because I trusted you.

Now I wish I never even told you.

Just toss out every secret that I told you.

Just completely toss them all out, please.

Just toss them out the exact same way you tossed me out.

I don’t love you anymore.

The secrets are not yours to share.

With the way you talked about the other one, I fear that I’ll be talked about like that too.

If I am, oh well.

That’s life — it’s confusing, interesting and more than anything else, surprising.

You surprised me a lot.

At first you surprised me in a good way, like the first time I saw your band live.

Then you surprised me in a bad way, like when you hesitated to say “I love you” back.

I didn’t know how to think about it at the time, now I do.

I didn’t know anything at the time.

I thought you really loved me.

I trusted you with my entire life.

Now, I don’t even trust you at all. 

I’ve started to realize so much more.

I’m especially realizing more things from the last few months we were together.

Your love was a lie.

My love was never a lie.

Get rid of everything about me, please.

Just get rid of it all, the photos, the stupid stuffed animals … everything.

You already blocked me from some parts of your life.

So, what’s stopping you from getting rid of the rest? 

Nothing. Nothing is stopping you. Because nothing stopped you from lying about your love and making me think everything was OK for me when it wasn’t for you. Your love for the past few months was a lie. Lying about love — it’s sickening. You should’ve told me sooner instead of keeping it bottled up inside. I still can’t believe I begged you to stay. My god, I’m so stupid for that. I never lied about my love. You know that I never lie.

It didn’t take long for me to feel OK again. I feel like myself again. I don’t sound like a broken record anymore. 

Irene likes poetry. If you do too, you can email her at inm24@pitt.edu.