Brown: Components of a proper complaint

I’ve read my share of angry feedback in my day. From letters in response to my columns… I’ve read my share of angry feedback in my day. From letters in response to my columns in this newspaper to news stories about hotheaded politicians battling amongst one another, exasperated emotions often are the strongest when carried out in a format frequently deemed one of the most cordial: the letter. If only people knew how to effectively express all that pent-up rage. When I was asked to read one recently regarding a service complaint, I saw all the familiar folly.

If I were the CEO of the company that received this letter, I would have just deleted it from my Blackberry without a second thought. It was atrocious. True, not everyone is an English major, so I could forgive occasional lapses in spelling or grammar. But seeing as I am an English major and my fingers have punched out their fair share of venom-spewing ire, I feel I’m pretty well qualified to critique the process.

While a letter should be an unrelenting piece of the most vengeful vitriol you can think of, it has to have an immediate purpose. For best results, it’s important to stick to the most essential points of interest. The letter this fed-up customer wrote was all over the place, mentioning issues ranging from the way he was supposedly treated to what employees were wearing.

Next — and this should be obvious — be professional and polite. Name calling is a bit childish to be taken seriously. If you’re planning on being mad at an individual, using a subtle allusion to poke fun at his or her ineptitude is not only more fun, but it’s often more effective than using offensive slurs. But that takes both a level of foresight and cleverness with the English language that most people just don’t have. Being polite and upset with someone or something do not have to be mutually exclusive.

From there, some semblance of organization should lead the aggrieved party to a point where or he or she should have built up a sturdy case of justified rage, thus making any caring professional more than willing to right any wrong. Now, we’re at a point of trying to figure out what the reparations will be.

This can be anything from an apology to free stuff, depending on how far you’re willing to drag it out. Often, there’s a time value or money factor that should be considered.

When my MP3 player broke while under warranty a few months ago, I returned to the store to discover that they no longer carried the particular bundle I had. I could have argued with them to throw in the case and the specialty headphones that were now extras — and likely could have gotten them to give them to me at no extra cost — but the difference was only $7, so I swallowed my pride and paid the difference.

On the other hand, when my brother recently called the manufacturer of his GPS to express his displeasure over a defective product, the company gladly upgraded his podunk GPS to a model worth twice as much without hesitation. It never hurts to ask what options are available to rectify a situation.

In all of this, the last and most important step to consider is to use the chain of command properly. Even if some heated letter gets the attention of the CEO of a multi billion-dollar company, what’s that going to accomplish in the long-run?

The best place to start is with a direct manager — someone with immediate authority. From there, if that person continues to blow you off, work up the ladder. Rinse, lather, repeat. You’re sure to find someone who gives a damn eventually.

With enough ardor and assertiveness, anything is possible. While one can try to milk the system dry, anyone in management with a semblance of perceptiveness should be able to tell a legitimate grievance from that of a freeloader.

But even if the customer is wrong, “the customer is always right.” Businesses with practical sense understand that concept. And as that’s the case, with relatively little effort and some manners, finding an amicable solution should never be an issue of “if,” but rather “to what degree.”

For more insight and irreverence, e-mail Jacob at jeb110@pitt.edu or visit http://www.thingsthatrhymewithcars.wordpress.com.