‘Eclipse’ is far from dazzling

As a general rule, sequels to films pale in comparison to their original counterparts. The… As a general rule, sequels to films pale in comparison to their original counterparts. The “Twilight” series has now perfected what was once just a rule into an unfailing art form.

As if the screenplays of “Twilight” and “New Moon” weren’t bad enough, “Eclipse” sunk the series to a new low. Fans will delight at the resurrection of Kristen Stewarts’ pained facial expressions, Robert Pattinson’s ability to convey emotion from his eyes and Taylor Lautner’s bulging pectorals.

However, two hotties and a mediocre, mute actress aren’t the ingredients for a quality movie.

The plot of “Eclipse” is centered on an army of newborn vampires whose purpose is to destroy the Cullen clan. In the interest of our resident damsel in distess’ safety, the werewolves form an alliance with the vampires. Predictably, a climatic struggle ensues between the newborns and what I like to call “Bella’s B*tches.”

However, the plot is probably the film’s smallest problem. As I mentioned before, the “Twilight” series isn’t exactly known for its stellar screenplay. But in this monstrosity of an installment, the producers seemed to find a solution to this said issue. Every time the dialogue turned weak, Taylor Lautner seemed to find a pseudo reason to go shirtless. Which begs the question: Does Tayler Lautner even own a shirt?

Furthermore, I was disappointed to see the tension between Edward and Jacob fizzle out. Their feud came to a head in a scene that suspiciously paralleled another box-office hit from a few years back. I’ll give you a hint: Edward and Jacob hide Bella in a secluded section of forest, pitch a tent and sleep in the tent with her. Edward and Jacob make somewhat of a truce and share a moment of smirks and heated stares. I couldn’t tell if they were going to fight, paint each other’s nails or start making out. David Slade, the director of “Eclipse,” obviously forgot about Ang Lee’s “Brokeback Mountain.” Sorry guys, you’re no Heath and Jake.

The problems above are just a few of several problems in this movie. Not only is the acting terrible, but the casting also left something to be desired. For example, Dakota Fanning is not believable as a blood-sucking demon — honey, we all saw you in “The Secret Life of Bees.” Billy Burke’s portrayal of Charlie Swan served as comic relief. But in a movie where Billy Burke is the highlight, there’s not much hope.

Regardless of how technically terrible the movie is, there won’t be a shortage of fans lining up outside theaters in their Team Edward and Team Jacob T-shirts. If you’re looking for some quality romance, go elsewhere.

If you’re looking for some action, again, go elsewhere, because werewolf/vampire fights aren’t all that entertaining.

However, if you’re looking for jailbait with an unnaturally sculpted body, “Eclipse” is your movie. I would have complained a lot less if I had sat through a three-hour still picture of a nearly naked Taylor Lautner.