Satire | Boomer reacts to college student say they “aren’t sure” what they’re doing after graduation

You know, in my day, I walked barefoot 17 miles through tsunami tides higher than the Empire State Building just to get to school. And young people these days, with their Tiktaks and their iPods and whatnot, are tossing away the degrees that their hardworking parents treasured in their day. I mean, when I was going to school, tuition cost me a whole mule and $30. And who do you think scraped all that money together? Me, of course. But kids these days just sit on their tushies and complain about tens of thousands of dollars of student loans. I’ll tell you right now, all they have to do is raise a mule from infancy, suckle it themselves, and their school would happily exchange that for a degree, just like mine.

The other day I ran into this young’un in the Starmoney or whatnot line the other day. The little thing had this big, hulking earmuff music player on, but they definitely weren’t wearing it because they didn’t want to talk to strangers, so I tapped them on the shoulder to give my unsolicited opinion anyway.

“Hey there, sweet young thing, I’m sure my calling you that doesn’t cause any discomfort whatsoever.”

“Um… hello?”

“You know, you look to be about the ripe young age that I was when I first landed a mid-career salaried corporate job right out of college with my shiny new bachelor’s degree.”

“I’m so confused.”

“Anyway, little one, tiny baby, small child, what are you going to do after you graduate?”

“Oh, um, I’m honestly not quite sure yet. The job market is kind of—”

“Not? Sure? I can’t possibly understand what you mean, honey. When I was your age, there was a very clear path. After college, just get a job and buy a house.”

“Well, things aren’t really that stable at the moment—”

“The first job I had out of college, I made enough money to support my spouse and our first eight children that we started having at 19 years old — four sets of twins, of course — and I bought our very first home with three percent of my salary. It was hard to decide whether we could swing that mortgage of 14 grapes a year, but we pulled through.”

“Good for you, I can’t even find rent under $2,000 a month, so—”

“Month, shmonth. You kiddos just keep complaining. I just don’t understand how your life can be so hard when everything cost a nickel when I graduated like 132 years ago. It’s almost as if you all think the cost of living has increased rapidly with an unrealistic housing market that makes it almost impossible for new home buyers to afford and an oversaturated job market that leaves no room for incoming qualified candidates.”

“Yeah. Almost.”

“I mean, you’re about to graduate with your bachelor’s degree, and everyone knows that you can get any job you want as long as you have a bachelor’s degree.”

“Mmm hmm.”

“I mean, just look at me. I got my bachelor’s degree in Learning in 1892, and since then I have single-handedly supported my 13 children and 87 grandchildren and bought two homes in Florida. Now I live debt-free, mortgage-free and even get my spending money from a neat little thing called Social Security, which definitely won’t be fully depleted by the time you qualify for it.”

“Right.”

“And this is all because I worked hard, too, not because my uncle ran the company that gave me the job, and I took over his high-paying position when he retired and worked that same stable job for 67 years.”

“Hey, look, I’ve got to order my coffee now.”

“You go for it, toots, and here’s some cash for you. Keep the change.”

I gave that sad little thing a whole $2 bill. That should buy them at least seven of those fancy frappy things. I am just so generous to the younger generation, but I really shouldn’t be, since it’s clear that they don’t want to work. But hey, it’s not my fault that I am where I am today because of all the hard work I put in that they aren’t doing. Two homes in Florida! And I know that they will never have to experience the hardships that I did, especially getting to school through a tsunami, because Florida will definitely not be underwater due to climate change in the foreseeable future.

Anna Fischer writes about female empowerment, literature and art. She’s really into bagels. Write to her at ajf132@pitt.edu.