Shamelessly Compiled | Finishing at a Start Line

Hello Compilers, 

Things have been feeling different recently. 

I can see the finish line that I will cross to complete my college experience. Everything I do is haunted by a little voice in my head questioning, “Is this the last time you will ever do this?”

I walk through the halls of my apartment, and I no longer look at my decor as fun, but rather how big of a pain it will be to move out. I press submit on assignments with the realization I may never see these classmates or professors again. All of a sudden, “22” by Taylor Swift makes me want to ugly cry, because I feel so “happy, free, confused and lonely at the same time,” and it is in fact “miserable and magical.”

My calendar’s multicolored blocks of classes are now replaced with times for grad pics, brunches and receptions. I hear other students talking about classes they are taking next semester or where they are living and I realize I will never have that conversation again. It is scary, weird and exciting all at the same time. 

I obviously knew the day would come eventually — the day where I put on my white dress and black gown and cap and walk to get my diploma. But I guess I never thought it would come so soon, with such force. It feels like just yesterday that I walked onto Pitt’s campus for the first time and moved my things into Ruskin. It feels like just yesterday that I met my best friends through a transfer Facebook group. I still remember a phone call I had with my mom one day sophomore year when I looked out my window and said, “I finally feel like I am where I am supposed to be.”

And this is true about this time in my life. Though it is so extremely weird, it is also peaceful in a sense, because I know I am where I am supposed to be. I am supposed to be here sitting on my balcony that shows me Cathy and the lock bridge, writing while the sun shines on my face, sipping coffee and trying not to spill it on my ivory shirt that features my club’s new merch design. I don’t know where I am supposed to go from here, but at least I know I will be at the right starting line after I cross this finish line. 

If I am being completely honest, I don’t think the realization of what is happening has fully hit me yet. I don’t think it will hit me until I finally lock the door of my apartment for the last time and settle into a new room, or until I walk into my first day on the job and realize that I am not just there for a semester. I am sure a lot of upcoming or recent grads can relate to this — the hard acceptance that this chapter is over. 

Whenever I read a book that I just absolutely love, I always find that I cry at the end of it. Not because it is sad, but because I am not ready to say goodbye to the characters or the world within the book. My college book is closing. I have loved this world I have been able to live in and the people I have had the pleasure of meeting along the way. I am flipping that last page, and I am so sad to leave. But, I am also so happy that I have met people and had experiences that make me not want to be done.

I am excited to start a new book, a new starting line. I still have a lot of experiences to compile.