Littman: What to expect from Woods’ return at the Masters

So, you’ve decided to start paying attention to golf. Welcome.

Now’s a… So, you’ve decided to start paying attention to golf. Welcome.

Now’s a great time to get into the sport, as the Masters, one of golf’s four major events, kicks off tomorrow. There are a lot of great storylines surrounding the Masters this year.

First, can Angel Cabrera defend his green jacket after a thrilling playoff victory last year against Kenny Perry and Chad Campbell? Can Perry bounce back after collapsing up two strokes with two holes to play in last year’s Masters? Perry, who was 48 years old at the Augusta National last year, would’ve been the oldest person to win a major but bogeyed the 17th and 18th holes, forcing the three-way playoff in which he ultimately lost. How will favorite Ernie Els play using former NHL player Dan Quinn as his caddy opposed to Els’ regular caddy Ricci Roberts, as the two are splitting caddying duties for Els this year?

Plus, who isn’t excited about Jack Nicklaus and Arnold Palmer kicking off the tournament as the ceremonial starters? Or how about a struggling Phil Mickelson looking to win his third Masters? All great plots.

But no, that’s not why you’re here. Sure, you could fake enthusiasm about all of those aforementioned things. Heck, you could have even just spent 15 minutes looking around the Internet to figure all of that out, if you were so inclined. Personally, doing that sounds like cheating both yourself and the sport of golf, but whatever.

No, you’re paying attention to golf right now because of the return of Tiger Woods. The Masters will be Woods’ first tournament since Nov. 15 when he won the Australian Open. Since that time, Woods got into a car accident, became golf’s Wilt Chamberlain and then became golf’s Eric Benet.

Now, arguably the greatest golfer ever is popular tabloid fodder, a disgrace to the sport and traditional family values, depending on who you listen to. And that’s why you’re following golf for probably the first time in your life. You want to see what happens during Woods’ return.

Well, if you’re expecting to tune in and see Woods having sex on the third green, that probably won’t happen. Woods has lost a ton of sponsors as well as the trust of his fans (and maybe his family, but let’s focus on what’s important here). Part of his return is damage control on his image. Having sex with someone on the course, even if it were his wife, would not help his cause. Well, actually, he’d get the voyeur demographic on his side, but unless he’s coming out with his own brand of telescopes that probably doesn’t help much.

But, perhaps you’re not tuning in to see foreplay (wordplay!). Perhaps you want to see how the crowd will react to Woods. During his practice round on Monday, The New York Times reported the crowd was mostly silent, and nothing derogatory or mean-spirited was yelled at him. Of course, as everyone knows, the rowdy golf crowds wait until the tournament starts to attend. But if Monday is any indication, it doesn’t look like any ladies will be showering the course with their undergarments. After all, this is the Masters, not a Seal concert.

Or maybe you want to see what Woods is wearing on his wrist. During an interview a few weeks back on the Golf Channel, Woods caused a bit of a stir by wearing a bracelet that’s common in Buddhism, according to USA Today. It didn’t look like he was wearing one Monday at his press conference in front of more than 200 reporters. If Woods wants to get those who enjoy pointless humor back on his side, he’ll tee off wearing a purity ring tomorrow.

Perchance you’ll watch just to make jokes using words like “stroke,” “hole” or “wood.” Or you could josh around about popular sex act, the “ Happy Gilmore.” Don’t forget to hilariously refer to the man of honor as “Cheetah Woods,” though. That one will never get stale.

So no matter why you’re going to watch golf this weekend, it’s great to have you aboard. Hopefully this helped quell any outrageous expectations you had for what you might see while watching the Masters. It’s just being really hyped up, and someone had to set everything straight.

Oh, and one more quick thing to keep in mind: In golf, the lowest score wins.