April Fools’: Lady Gaga a secret Pitt student

This story is part of The Pitt News’ April Fools’ Day special edition. It is… This story is part of The Pitt News’ April Fools’ Day special edition. It is entirely fictional.

Despite the elaborate costumes and distancing persona, Pitt students are closer to Lady Gaga than they might think.

In a groundbreaking interview given exclusively to The Pitt News, Pitt senior Dolores Carmichael has revealed that she is, in fact, the real Lady Gaga.

“I feel like it’s finally time to let people know who I really am,” Carmichael said. “At my concert in Melbourne last week, one of my orbiting rings hit me in the head during the first chorus of “Bad Romance,” and I realized that moment of unbalance was symbolic of my entire life. Seriously, that costume is a pain in the a**, and so are secrets.”

The confession might come as a shock to those fans who believed 23-year old Stefani Germanotta to be the real Gaga, and Carmichael said she understands the mix of anger and confusion some fans might be feeling at “this betrayal of their trust.”

“[Germanotta] is a really nice person, and she has been cool about taking the heat off of me for so long. But I need to make it clear that it is my poker face I sang about. I was the original bluffer of the muffer. Er, I mean muffin,” she said.

Neither Germanotta nor her creative team could be reached for comment.

For the past three years, while Lady Gaga first began to rise in celebrity, Carmichael was just an ordinary student at Pitt, studying for chemistry exams (she is a pre-dental major) and frequenting the Sigma Sigma fraternity house (which she claims is her favorite).

Because of the schedule conflicts that come along with being Lady Gaga, however, Carmichael found herself having to take entire semesters off. Carmichael still has one more semester left before she can graduate, which she says she will complete in the fall.

“I really only have a few more general science courses to finish. I’ve already taken my [Dental Admissions Test] and scored in the 87th percentile. Stupid Bio — I tried convincing my professor that our dissection frog had a disco stick, and he failed me,” she said, before adding 20 seconds later that she was “totally kidding.”

Carmichael has always recognized the pressure that comes with leading a double life, and she has had her share of close calls. Daniel Dinkus, a Pitt junior who took calculus with Carmichael, said there was one time that he almost caught on to her.

“We were doing group work on this worksheet, and like, I totally thought I saw glitter all through [Dolores’] hair, and she just smelled like fabulousness,” he said, refusing to elaborate on that description. “Then, the clincher was, like, that I saw her start scribbling all these math symbols all over her paper, and then she started drawing some on her arms, and then a week later I saw Lady Gaga wearing an outfit composed entirely of integrals. That’s when I think I knew.”

Carmichael admitted that she offered calculus-based inspiration to John Galliano, who made the dress.

Now that she has come out of the Gaga closet, however, Carmichael hopes that people will treat her as if she were just another Pitt student and not a millionaire pop music artist.

“Whether I’m buying O-fries, grabbing a quick latte at Starbucks or enjoying a shot pitcher named after me at Hem’s, I want to seem normal and down to earth. I know that sounds ironic because I dress like an alien 80 percent of the time as Gaga, but you won’t see me wearing bubble-wrap dresses to karaoke night at Garage Door anytime soon,” she said.

Having a massive celebrity such as Lady Gaga roam the streets of Oakland, unbeknownst to others, might have worked for Carmichael in the past, but some residents are expressing concern about the potential disruption of the peace.

“I can tell this Carmichael Gaga girl and I are gonna have a bad romance,” Tootsie McGhee, South Oakland resident, said. “She better ra-ra-oo-la-leave Pittsburgh and hope that she doesn’t get my revenge.”

McGhee lives on Atwood Street and doesn’t want “crazy camera-toting paparazzi to come following Carmichael until she loves them. Papa-Paparazzi.”

Her neighbor, Floyd Hardy, agreed, saying that he has been telling his family and friends that they can call all they want but he’ll pretend there is no one home, and that he’s not going to get his telephone. In an unrelated comment, he also mentioned that he had to run to Peter’s to pick up his heart from the dance floor, as he left it there, along with his head, the previous night.

Though Carmichael was adamant not to reveal where exactly she lived, she admitted that it was a typical South Oakland apartment, which “is a nice change from all the luxurious penthouse suites with hot tubs and bartenders and king-sized beds.”

One of the biggest challenges of being a celebrity is dealing with the nasty rumors and constant invasion of privacy, she said.

“Um, let me see … no, I definitely do not have a penis,” she said.

In mid-March, it was announced that Lady Gaga will perform in Pittsburgh at the Mellon Arena on Sept. 5, and Carmichael wants to get the word out now about her official afterparty.

“It’s going to be at my friend Brindi Bixleby’s house on Meyran Ave. She has this b*tchin’ basement that can totally fit, like, 50 people in it.”

Though the life of simple Dolores Carmichael might be changed forever, at least the Pitt community can feel comforted knowing that Gaga is never as far away as she might seem.