Satire | Surviving studying abroad: Tips, tricks and tribulations

OK, Mr. Moneybags. So you can afford studying abroad. Go off, king. Or, like me, you’ve got mad loans, so what’s just one more? So here’s my tried and tired and true method to not only survive your study abroad, but also to get drunk sometimes while you’re in Europe with a lower drinking age and an even more alcohol-maxxing culture. 

1. Pack for the climate and events

Research, because even if you’re going to the warmest, sunniest place in the world, the nights may be wet and cold — like some people I know. You don’t know them, so don’t worry about it. Also, my class made me wear business casual a bunch, so bring fancy stuff for whatever events your program has you attend. 

2. Make sure you have a full handle on your coursework

I was on a film program, and I chose to do a full short film for my final, which was very elaborate. Was this a mistake? I’m very proud of the video, so no, but at the same time it was so much work, and I had to get an extension and stay up till 6 a.m. the last day of the program while everyone else was out partying to celebrate completing the program. So choose your battles and priorities. Some people didn’t get it done, but they got to go out with everyone, so it’s ultimately up to you to figure out what matters most to you. 

3. Budget

Credit cards are awesome, except when they aren’t. This one guy spent all his money at a strip club and had to eat ramen for the rest of the trip. He even brought ramen to the end of the trip potluck we did, pictured here: 

Pretty silly. Just make sure you have enough money for food and souvenirs and whatever else isn’t covered by your program, otherwise you’re going to have to be on the other side of that stripping story, or subsist off of water or photosynthesis or something. €200 a day should probably cover it. 

4. Keep track of all your crap 

The last week of the trip, when I definitely should have been editing my final project, I lost my AirPods and phone the same night. It was probably my fault, as I don’t remember every event of the evening. I bought a hot dog from a cart with Venmo, then put my phone in my bag. Twenty steps later, it no longer existed. We tracked it to this corner right by the hot dog cart, but it wasn’t on the ground and I wasn’t about to start harassing creepy adult men parked in their cars for my phone, because I didn’t want to die. I had to buy a new phone, and later new AirPods. Don’t be stupid like me. 

On the last day of the trip, I realized my old Raycons, which had been dead in my room because I forgot to pack an Android charger, also no longer existed. Moral of the story, keep track of your phone at all times and avoid pickpockets. Or just be supremely poor. On the upside, the guy at the Verizon store felt bad for me and gave me a massive discount, which was so very phenomenal of him, so rare Verizon W. 

5. Relationships have Best By dates 

Do not meet your soulmate before or during your study abroad. Because if you’re madly in love while you’re gone, Europe will be ruinedm because the entire time you’re thinking, “If only Trevor was here, he’d love this gay club. There’s so many crotches!” Or something similar. Also, long distance sucks, and many relationships don’t survive the semester. 

And if you fall in love during the trip with someone on the program, like one of my friends did, you’ll spend so much time together you’ll eventually realize they’re the worst person you’ve ever met. Then, when you call things off before the end of the program, everything will be awkward and annoying until you leave. 

Or, worst of all, if you fall in love with a local, he’s probably secretly incredibly promiscuous, and you’ll think you’re meant to be but then never see him again. Sure, he says he’s visiting the U.S. soon, but you’re also “going back to Europe soon.” It’s not happening in the next five years at least. So don’t fall in love until you’re back from your trip. 

6. Enjoy the culture, but not too much 

I was in a place with a huge partying culture, and, I don’t know if I mentioned this, but I enjoyed it too much and lost my phone and AirPods the same night. Don’t be like me. Be like someone else. Someone who didn’t lose their phone. 

7. “No” is a full sentence 

I know it’s kind of crazy, but I went from a person excited to go out to someone who dreaded the weekend plans. And the weekday plans. My friends wanted to go out all the time, so I spent too much money on Ubers and dinners and other things I decidedly did not have the budget for. 

I tried saying no, but the “We’re only here once” mindset worked too well on me. I went from a leader to a follower, with money pouring out of my bank account seemingly faster than I could spend it. And now I have to work so much to recoup that money. Do I regret anything? Yes. Losing my phone and AirPods. But nothing else. You’re only there once, after all. I got to go to a speakeasy with fake ATMs instead of doors, which was one of those nights I had tried to turn down my friends and stay in. So I don’t know. You might miss out. 

8. Make sure you and your long-term boyfriend are on the same page about you kissing your friends 

Basically, I asked my boyfriend if he was cool with me kissing my friends, because I’m a big fan of kissing my friends. He said yes, so I took that as the go ahead to do so. Then I was talking about it later and he was like “Wait, you’re kissing these girls with tongue??? I didn’t know that.” He seemed upset. Even though he said he didn’t care, it really seemed like he did. So, for the time being, I’ve stopped kissing people other than him. But yeah, make sure you and your partner are on the same page about that stuff, otherwise I’ve found it can get pretty awkward. 

And there you have it. If you follow all these tips, you just might survive studying abroad — and maybe even with your phone and AirPods still in your possession. Good luck, learn lots, make connections and lastly but most importantly, have fun! OK, love you, bye! 

Alaina McCall writes things. They would rather be a lighthouse keeper, a flower doctor or a dictator than whatever they’re doing now. You can reach them at mccallalaina@gmail.com