April Fools’: Student uses semicolon correctly

This story is part of The Pitt News’ April Fools’ Day special edition. It is… This story is part of The Pitt News’ April Fools’ Day special edition. It is entirely fictional.

After a conscious-shattering use of a semicolon, Pitt freshman Arthur Horner was awarded an honorary doctorate in English literature. In an otherwise ordinary term paper, Horner placed a semicolon between two similar but distinct thoughts, single-handedly staging a literary revolution capable of reducing grown men to tears.

Department professor Magnus Oatshire, who bore witness to this grammatical orgasm, described his reaction: “Initially, I was paralyzed. Then I wept for hours, helpless. I thought I was suckling at the quill of Albert Camus.” Cowering in the glory of such chilling punctuation, Oatshire immediately contacted Chancellor Mark Nordenberg to alert him of a coming wave.

“I said, ‘Get ready, man, because your world’s about to change,’” Oatshire said, referring to inevitable publicity once word of this rare beast’s achievements got out.

News of the wunderkind flared throughout the land, traveling from village to village in song and verse. Since the revelation first seared the eyes and hearts of alumni, Pitt’s endowment has tripled from donations. Tear-stained checks continue flooding administrators as this magnum opus rends the hearts of men.

Unfortunately, The Pitt News cannot reprint the sentence Horner originally constructed. The semicolon’s placement is so beautiful, so devastating to any sliver of possessed cynicism, that it threatens the very retinas of its readers. Philistines must not gaze at its grace, for they risk spontaneous combustion as when Yahweh spoke through the burning bush lest Moses explode at witnessing his perfection.

After a ruthless battle among elite curators, it was decided that the original page will hang in the Carnegie Museum of Art. Visitors must first be screened, for liability purposes, to ensure that they are not members of the hoi polloi.

Following the acceptance of his doctorate, the newly crowned Dr. Horner has remained as reclusive as J.D. Salinger and Henry David Thoreau, his obvious predecessors. However, The Pitt News was able to reach him via messenger falcon for a brief interview.

When asked how he birthed the semicolon that shook the axis of the world, Horner said, “I dunno. I just thought it looked smart and stuff.”