Beer Issue: Littman: Life as a non-drinking sports fan

The game just went to a timeout, so you scurry into the kitchen, pop open the fridge, take… The game just went to a timeout, so you scurry into the kitchen, pop open the fridge, take out the coldest, sweatiest bottle you can grab, take a refreshing swig and head back to the couch quenched.

In those dry-mouthed times, nothing really compares to watching a sporting event accompanied by a bottle of water. Yes, water.

Anyone who has watched or attended a sporting event knows the relationship between sports and alcohol is almost inescapable. Still, there are — believe it or not — sports fans who don’t drink alcohol.

Hello, my name is Adam, and I’m such a person.

Most would call us non-drinkers, although some go as far as to give us a fun nickname. A somewhat popular one is a slang word for a female body part that starts with a “p” and ends with “ussies.”

Even for those who don’t indulge in alcohol, we can’t escape it. Most sports are watched on TV — either at a bar, at home with other people or at home alone. In all three of those scenarios, alcohol will be there. At a bar, you’re surrounded by it, and there’s a good chance your buddies will down some of the devil’s nectar if you watch with other people. But even when you’re alone watching sports, alcohol is there.

Just last year, the NBA repealed an 18-year ban on courtside advertising for alcohol, so now alcohol ads can be seen on camera throughout the game. In 2003, the alcohol industry spent more than $879 million on television advertising, with more than $540 million going toward ads that run during sporting events, according to the Center on Alcohol Marketing and Youth. In 2006, Anheuser-Busch spent more than $252 million to advertise during sporting events, roughly 77 percent of its total ad spending for that year, according to Street and Smith’s Sports Business Journal.

There’s just no way to watch sports on TV and not see ads for beer. If you’re not interested in beer, you learn to ignore them, like the ads for gentlemen’s clubs in sports sections of most newspapers (by the way, how’s it going down there, ad for Blush? Thanks for your continued support).

It is hard to ignore, though. My lips have touched beer exactly the same amount of times they’ve touched the lips of Norah Jones, which is to say — fortunately for her — not once. Still, I know college students looking to get a lot of cheap beer for their sports-watching enhancement will frequently go with Natural Light. Coors Light is for those who like football, some good dude camaraderie and twins. Others will drink Pabst Blue Ribbon while ironically watching some bizarre, non-mainstream sport, like the WNBA.

But the truth is, being a sports fan who doesn’t drink is like being one who does, just with less alcohol consumption.

That’s not to say I haven’t come in contact with alcohol at sporting events either. My earliest memory comes from when I was 12 years old at Yankee Stadium. Lost in the euphoria of glorious live baseball action, I felt a few drops of liquid sprinkle the back of my neck. I figured it was probably just starting to drizzle.

A few minutes later, my nostrils caught an unpleasant odor coming from above. I took off my hat and noticed dots all over it. I asked my Dad if it had rained, he said it hadn’t and then smelled my hat, confirming someone from behind spilled beer on me. For some, beer raining from the sky would be welcome — their equivalent of how The Weather Girls feel when it rains men. For me, it was an inconvenience. I prefer when it rains rain.

One thing all non-drinkers have to deal with is the question, “Why, oh why would you deny yourself such sweet tonic? Who wouldn’t want to down a few bottles of this marvel of society, this magical elixir that loosens the stiff, boogies the undanceable and sleeps with the unattractive?” Note: I only associate with overly dramatic pretentious people.

Well, there are countless reasons. Here are some of the most widely used ones I’ve heard:

You might not like being drunk. Perhaps it’s a health issue, or you simply don’t like the taste. Maybe you’re pregnant. Or you’re playing famed Mormon Marie Osmond in a biopic, and you’re a method actress. Perhaps you’re taking medication for your skin that can be fatal when mixed with alcohol. You feel cocaine goes better with sports watching. Maybe you’re a recovering alcoholic. Or you’re playing famed Mormon Donny Osmond in a biopic, and you’re a method actor. Perhaps you simply don’t have any desire to drink alcohol.

No matter the reason, don’t get pressured into drinking something you don’t want to. Sure, it might feel a little awkward when everyone has those cool long-neck bottles or when you see how few Poland Springs commercials air during the Super Bowl.

But that’s okay. Regardless of what commercials or bar patrons might say, not drinking alcohol doesn’t make you any less of a sports fan or a dude. It might make you a permanent designated driver, but that’s it.

So non-drinkers, don’t worry when you’re around people who react like the guy from the Red Stripe commercials when it’s time to start drinking. Ask for a water, laugh off some verbal jabs, and enjoy the game. There’s always the chance that you’ll be the only one to remember it.