Christensen: How to deal with flakiness

Take a lesson from the horse’s mouth: If you’re friends with a flake, know that… Take a lesson from the horse’s mouth: If you’re friends with a flake, know that it isn’t you. It’s him.

As somewhat of a flake myself, I can assure you that dipping out on plans is nothing personal. Still, a thoughtless act that is committed impersonally can become very personal indeed.

I’ll begin with a little backstory. Last weekend, I RSVP’d to friend’s birthday party. Walking home from Soldiers & Sailors with intentions of changing and going out for the night, I passed my neighbor sitting on her porch. I stopped by for a chat. Somewhere along the way, the chat turned into a backyard barbeque, and the barbeque turned into my bedtime. In a bad calculation of commitment, I completely bailed on my plans. The friend was disappointed and annoyed, and with good reason. It wasn’t my intention to make anyone upset, but when another person’s emotions are disregarded, hurt feelings are inevitable.

No matter what the reasons for a friend’s flakiness may be, it’s a tough quality to deal with. Luckily, I have understanding, compassionate friends who are willing to forgive me — this time around, at least.

If you find yourself dealing with a flaky friend, there are a few tactics to help solve the scatterbrained problem.

First thing is first: Let the flake know that his unreliable behavior is driving you crazy. If your friend were walking around with his fly down, you would tell him. Like a pair of unzipped pants, flakiness is a socially unacceptable issue that needs to be brought to the person’s attention. The friend might not realize that his behavior is a problem unless you point it out to him. It gives him the chance to make amends before you get really angry and call it quits.

Let the friend know that you miss his company. It doesn’t hurt to remind someone that friends are supposed to see each other and spend time together. If the person is a true friend he will listen up and take note. But if the friend continues to drive a wedge in the relationship without regard for personal feelings, it’s probably time to say goodbye — or at least put the friendship on the back burner for a while.

If the flake isn’t a close friend, or if you think you can deal with the person’s unreliability, it might be a good idea to start making backup plans. Don’t let your Friday night be ruined because your scatterbrained friend decides she doesn’t really want to go to the movies after all. Invite other people along if you have a specific event you want to attend. Don’t always rely on a person who has proved she might not follow through.

If you’re reading this and think you might be a flaky person yourself, the first step along the road to recovery is admitting that you have a problem. As my friends pointed out to me, dipping out on plans and making random excuses is hurtful to those who want to spend time with you. More than hurtful, it’s gosh-darned inconsiderate; people are relying on you, and you’re letting them down. In the end, not following up on plans will mean that the invitations will stop coming. Friends who feel as though they are taken for granted won’t stick around to be ignored.

To solve the problem, identify its origins. Does your flakiness come from selfishness? Speaking as a flaky person, I know that my inconsiderate nature inevitably emerges when I’m acting purely in my own self-interest. Doing whatever one wants without considering its effect on someone else might lead to happiness in the short-term, but the long-term consequence of damaging a friendship outweighs a temporary benefit. Selfish people are only lonely in the long run.

If you find that you’ve become flaky because you’re busy doing other things — homework is loading you down or you’re choosing a significant other over your friends — be sure your priorities are in line. School will end soon. Fond memories of good times spent with friends can last through a lonely summer. While success in school is important, social success is invaluable. Time management is all a part of maturation. Find a way to handle both your friends and your homework. And when it comes to significant others, remember that friends will probably stick around longer than a boyfriend. Better not lose both in one go.

Ultimately, take a lesson from me: If you ever find yourself passing up a slice of birthday cake, remember that for a friend it only comes once a year.

E-mail Caitlyn your thoughts at cac141@pitt.edu