Satire | Hinge hesitation and Bumble bumbles: Are they worth it?

As years pass by with match after match but no long-term relationships developing from dating apps, many people have become disillusioned with them as a concept. Plenty of my friends tell me they’re officially done with the apps, before rejoining a few days or weeks later because approaching strangers in public is impossible, disgusting and horrible. 

Whether it’s Bumble, Hinge or nothing else — we’re talking dating apps here, not hooking up apps — I believe that there’s still hope for everyone to find the person they’re looking for. It just takes time. Yes, you have to be very, very patient, and you have to wade through all the weirdos and uglies, but eventually, I maintain that everyone can find the one. 

To prove this, I went out into the field to ask some real people about their experiences with dating apps. The following are those transcripts. 

Interview with Allie Shepard, junior law, criminal justice and society major on Sept. 15, 12:15 p.m. 

AM: So you’re a big dating app user?

AS: Unfortunately. But that’s what they want, right? 

AM: Sorry, who? 

AS: Big dating app! You know, they show you all the people who are almost compatible with you, so you get excited and go on a date with them, then you meet and they suck. But it felt so close, so you come back and back and back, always so close but so far from finding the perfect guy. 

AM: Ah. So you’re not a fan of the apps? 

AS: You could say that. They’re just the worst! You find the perfect guy, he doesn’t like you back. You find a mediocre guy, and it’s all, “How’s it going? What’s your major? What do you do for fun?” It gets exhausting asking and answering the same boring questions over and over and over and over again. Small talk makes me want to die for real, man. And you know how many second dates I’ve been on?

AM: No? 

AS: Three. And you know how many third dates I’ve been on?

AM: None?

AS: No, one. And you know how many fourth dates I’ve been on? 

AM: No. 

AS: None! The apps are horrible. There’s gotta be at least somebody out there within a mile of Oakland who wants to marry me! 

AM: You have your dating radius set to just Oakland? 

AS: Of course! I don’t commute for [expletive]. That’s a big rule for me. If I can’t walk to them, it’s just not happening. 

AM: I see. 

AS: And everyone around here is all, “Pics?” “Wanna meet up right now even though we just matched and I know nothing about you?” Like, we’re not holding hands until after the 10th date, get over it, man.

AM: Right, of course. Would you say you have any deal breakers that make you not want to engage with someone?

AS: Well, I have a few boxes people have to check for me to be attracted to them, but who doesn’t? I only date people who are at least over six feet, brown hair, blue or green eyes. They have to have a good relationship with their father, they have to have plans to own a boat, they have to want to get married within the next three years, and they have to be a baseball player. 

AM: … Just that? 

AS: I told you, I’m a reasonable person. I don’t know why it’s been so hard to find the one. 

AM: Yeah, that sounds really difficult. Well —

AS: Oh, yeah, if they’re not funny, it’s just not happening. If I haven’t laughed three times in the first 15 minutes, we’re just not meant to be. And that’s fine. I should quit the apps again. 

AM: I see. Thank you. 

Interview with Jeff Stables, a senior business major on Sept. 18, 4:20 p.m.

AM: So you’ve been on the apps a while now, you said? 

JS: Yeah, a couple years now. 

AM: Why do you think a long-term relationship hasn’t happened for you yet?

JS: Long … long term? Ew! Don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m not into the labels and the commitments and crap like that. I’m more of a free love type o’ guy. 

AM: I see. So you’ve been more successful with short-term dating online? 

JS: Dating?! Look, you’ve gotta chill out with all these labels and stuff. I’m spending two nights with a girl, max. Otherwise, they might develop feelings, and then it’d be a whole thing. 

AM: Ah. OK. So, how do you attract so many people? Like, what’s your opener? 

JS: Usually a picture of my [expletive] in my hand for scale. And I tell them the stuff I’m into, my boundaries, you know, just the usual. 

AM: Oh! OK … and that warrants a lot of responses? 

JS: Hell yeah. I’d say it’s probably about a five percent return, so I cast a wide net. And you’d be surprised how far these girls are willing to drive for just a night with me. And of course, I don’t let people sleep over — I don’t want them getting clingy or anything. 

AM: Ah. And how far do they drive? 

JS: I dunno. I’ve met up with girls from every state that borders PA, though, so that’s like a fun bucket list thing. 

AM: Right … 

JS: Can you put my picture and Snap next to my interview? 

AM: … No. I’m not allowed, sorry! Do you have anything else you want to say about dating apps?

JS: Just to keep an open mind. I have a lot of experience, so any girl who matches with me should be open to some pretty freaky stuff. 

AM: OK. 

JS: Piss. 

AM: And that’s all the time I have, thank you so much. 

Interview with Stephanie Jackson, a senior film production major, and Travis McDonald, a recent political science graduate, who have been dating for nine months, on Sept. 23, 2:03 p.m.  

AM: So you guys met on the apps? 

SJ: Yup. He was just so funny! I had to ask him out. 

TM: I was kind of scared at first, because, you know, stranger danger, but she was so funny and nice. I just had to go for it. 

AM: You were nervous to meet with her? Were you not going on dates with a lot of people from the apps? 

TM: I mean, not really. I wasn’t really looking for anything at the time, I more so just wanted to talk to people and build relationships that way. We were texting for, what, like, three weeks before I agreed to meet up? 

SJ: Yup. I thought you had a girlfriend already with how you were refusing to meet up! I did ask him way too fast though. Like, I was smoking on my porch and was just like, “Pull up, here’s the addy, why aren’t you here yet?” But I recovered by saying I was joking when he said no. 

AM: Classic. So would you guys say that dating apps are a good resource for people looking for their soulmate?
SJ: Dating apps? 

AM: Yeah. 

TM: I mean, I’ve never really had luck on those, but, you know, to each their own. 

SJ: Yeah, I went on dates with like three psychopaths and never went back, personally, but I’m sure there’s gotta be some normal people on there. Probably. 

AM: Wait, what? I thought you guys said you met on a dating app … 

SJ: Ohhh, no, I said we met on an app and started dating. 

AM: What app? 

TM: Yik Yak. Before they switched to Sidechat and I couldn’t get on anymore with my Android phone, obviously. 

AM: You guys … You guys met on Yik Yak? 

SJ: Yup. He was hotdog, I was fries, it was a perfect match. 

TM: Highly recommend meeting the love of your life on Yik Yak. 

AM: OK … Well, that’s all my questions, I think I’m all good here. 

SJ: Really?

AM: Yes. Thank you guys! 

TM: Thank you! And can I shout out my boys Lil Dankus and Big Lanky? 

AM: I’ll ask my editor. 

So, there you have it folks. The online dating landscape is hard and annoying and full of wacky people, but you can find what you’re looking for if you just give it some time and patience. I was on the apps for almost a year before I found my boyfriend — we were both catfishing people on Grindr — but some of my friends have been on for years and have yet to find the one. 

Getting to explore so many matches, most of whom are also looking to date, is a modern miracle that, while sometimes annoying, is such a gift — so don’t squander it. You could even use dates as a way to explore new things, like axe throwing, rock climbing or even coffee shops. So have fun and good luck, happy swiping! 

Alaina McCall writes things. They are in a happy relationship, unlike you. For an invite to the wedding, email mccallalaina@gmail.com