Satire | America has the right to invade Cuba and should after they have expressed interest in joining BRICS

The Eastern-backed puppet government in Cuba has recently expressed interest in joining the anti-American BRICS alliance. This action has clearly placed Cuba at odds with the United States and threatens the United States’ territorial integrity, having opened the door for Russian troops to be placed within 100 miles of America’s border.

With all of this open hostility from the Eastern-backed Cuban government, it has become clear that the only option for the United States to protect its sphere of influence is to engage in a three-day special operation in order to de-commify Cuba and protect the persecuted ethnic Americans.

The BRICS alliance — consisting of Brazil, Russia, India, China and South Africa, along with several other member states — is a blatantly anti-American economic bloc that seeks to destroy Western powers. Our nation is under attack by these communist forces. 

In 2022, Russia invaded Ukraine to help de-nazify Ukraine and prevent it from joining NATO. During this invasion, Russian president Vladimir Putin argued that Russia had the right to establish and enforce a sphere of influence over its neighboring countries in order to protect itself from NATO countries. This same reasoning offers a compelling case for the United States to invade Cuba.

Over the course of the past 70 years, Cuba underwent a communist revolution that was supported by the USSR and now modern-day Russia. This has created a series of puppet governments that have existed solely to turn Cuba into a military base for the East.

This came to a head during the Cuban missile crisis where the Cuban government allowed the citizens of Cuba to be put directly in harm’s way in the name of expanding Eastern military interests. Cuba’s desire to join BRICS similarly puts political ambitions above the needs of their people.

It is clear to see that the Eastern puppets in the Cuban government are hellbent on deteriorating their relationship with the United States, and as the major power in the region, the United States is entitled to its own sphere of influence. As Russia has taught us, we must defend this sphere of influence using any means necessary, up to and including invading our neighbors.

BRICS has made it clear that they are an adversary to NATO through their continued opposition to the USD as a global reserve currency, even going as far as to propose their own. Their members, including Russia and China, have openly labeled themselves as adversaries to the United States and could develop into a military alliance down the road.

This means that by expressing interest in joining BRICS, Cuba has purposefully challenged the United State’s local hegemony. Under the precedent established by Russia, it is clear the United States must invade Cuba to de-commify their country.

This invasion should be easy for the United States thanks to the U.S.’ vastly superior military and intelligence services — in fact, we probably don’t even have to truly invade the country. We could just as easily fund and supply separatists to invade on our behalf. We don’t even have to give them modern equipment — we could just give them older bombers and invade the underdeveloped and swampy Bay of Pigs. They would never see it coming.

Another option would be to use the CIA, who have been so successful at forcing regime change in the past that they could simply have a spy sneak in and poison Cuban president Miguel Díaz-Canel’s favorite drink or put an explosive in his phone. This option would also prevent any of the attacks from being connected back to the United States.

If all else fails, we could simply sanction them to prevent them from developing a good health care system and prevent their citizens from getting the supplies they need. This would allow the U.S. military to march to Havana in mile long caravans to liberate the people who would in turn view them as heroes.

Alex Jurkuta writes about current events and politics. Email him at amj180@pitt.edu.