Kaszycki: Bringing back the beard

Barack Obama’s presidency hasn’t been going too well lately. His poll numbers are… Barack Obama’s presidency hasn’t been going too well lately. His poll numbers are deteriorating, his health care agenda has become deeply unpopular with the American public and the people of Massachusetts elected a Republican to Teddy Kennedy’s seat — seriously, all of Kennedy’s personal problems, including prolonged alcohol abuse, never fazed them, but Barack Obama and former U.S. Senate candidate Martha Coakley, guilty of perhaps the single most inept campaign in modern political history, did.

Some would propose a change of political focus, a shift to the economy or a greater embrace of a bipartisan spirit. All fine ideas, but I have a bolder proposal. Barack Obama should grow a beard.

Picture the president with a beard. His hair is already losing its color, so it would be one of those mannerly, gray or white beards, the kind that often adorns Morgan Freeman’s face in various film appearances. And everybody loves Morgan Freeman.

A beard would give Obama an air of wisdom. He would resemble the kindly old gentleman that Freeman often plays — always more intelligent than he lets on and ready to dispense wisdom (or in the case of Freeman’s Oscar-winning role in Million Dollar Baby, a good punch). The image of Obama as the idealistic young man who got in way over his head would give way to an image of the wise, genteel leader.

Moreover, it would link him to that famed politician to whom supporters frequently compared Obama: Abe Lincoln. Lincoln was the first bearded president, and from his time until the rise of Woodrow Wilson, more presidents than not sported facial hair, many of them the full beard. And who would you rather more closely resemble, Mr. President? Wilson — who resegregated the civil service — or Lincoln?

Sadly, contemporary politicians have fled from facial hair as if it were fiscal responsibility. Long gone are the days of the bushy beards of Rutherford B. Hayes and Ulysses S. Grant. Tom Coburn sported a goatee for some time — daring, controversial — and I determined that I would surely vote for him for president, based on this fact alone.

John McCain tried many things to compete with Obama, even plucking Sarah Palin from the governor’s igloo up in Alaska. But he didn’t grow facial hair. A beard would have headlined CNN and Fox News. Keith Olbermann would have summarily labeled McCain a right-wing extremist.

Moreover, it would have given McCain some better material for jokes about his age: “Grover Cleveland recommended it to me, back when I was a teenager.” Even Jon Stewart’s overly hip audience would’ve chuckled at that one, despite probably not knowing who Cleveland was.

Mr. President, now is not the time to maintain the status quo of appearance. Your followers elected you to bring change they could believe in, so you can start by growing a beard.

Then, instead of carrying around those ultra-creepy, Che-inspired paintings of Obama, his most ardent followers could grow beards — men and women alike, a sign of gender equality. Wear your affection for your president in style.

Many people remarked on John McCain’s thinning hair — he’d have been the baldest president since Dwight D. Eisenhower. Baldness just isn’t cool, unless it’s balanced by a goateee, like Steve Austin. Hey, a professional wrestler got to be governor of Minnesota (before he became a 9/11 conspiracy theorist), so why not the president?

Maybe that’s the solution for Barack Obama: not a full beard like the grandfatherly Morgan Freeman. No, more of a hip, goatee-shaved head look, like vintage Michael Jordan. The president supposedly has a pretty good basketball game. So, get a photo of Barack gliding to the hoop, while extending the basketball toward the hoop in an elegant motion. Instant approval ratings booster.

See, Mr. President? There is change even I, a conservative Republican, can believe in.

E-mail Steve at sdk13@pitt.edu.