Opinion | Real men love dominant women

“Juli needs a man,” my dad and uncle echoed as they asked me questions about my boyfriend. Without any thought, I return, “I don’t need a man.” They looked back at me as if I had three heads. 

“I can take care of myself.” They are shocked as if they didn’t raise me to protect myself and hold my own.

By emphasizing that I need a man, I know they mean that I need someone who can look after me, who is stronger, assertive and more dominant. It implies that the “right guy” will force me to take a step back while he makes decisions for the both of us and, if need be, can “defend my honor” if another man makes me feel unsafe. When I discussed this conversation with my roommate, she noted, “So we need a man to protect us from other men?”

I am finding that harmful rhetoric regarding femininity and relationships is not just circulating in our homes but on social media. Relationship influencers are telling people who identify as women that to find the right partner or have success in relationships with men, they must embrace their “soft feminine” side, which I find is simply passivity disguised in pink ribbon. The morning after my aforementioned roommate rant session, a post appeared at the top of my Instagram for you page — “What the Masculine ‘Actually’ Finds Attractive About the Feminine.”

The post detailed that even the prettiest woman may be unattractive to men if she acts overly masculine. Instead, women should trust their significant other’s leadership, not flaunt their sensuality but maintain desirability — so be sexy but not a slut — receive graciously from their partner and not take charge of the relationship but maintain boundaries. 

This post seems directed to straight relationships as it refers to the masculine as “him” and the feminine as “her.” Its sentiment supports the feminist theory that heterosexuality is socialized to privilege men. It constructs a narrative that places men on a podium of dominance in relationships with women and creates a false idea of how a “real man” acts.

This creates a dynamic where a woman feels dependent on a man for safety. Undoubtedly, a person should feel safe with their partner, but they should not need this person to ensure their security. A relationship should be an equal partnership based on love and compatibility, not necessity. 

Mainstream discourse about relationships almost always reflects this gender binary, assigning one person as fulfilling the feminine role and one as the masculine. Now, Trump’s executive order equating gender with sex undoubtedly reinforces the bounds of these two gender roles as a weapon to ensure women do not forget their “biological distinctions” from men. Simultaneously, it bans any other person from feminine expression. The order explained that denying one’s biological gender deprives women of their “dignity, safety, and well-being.” It’s telling that it infringes on these exact values for queer folks who are denied their right to their own gender identity.

If someone is born female, they are a woman, they are feminine. If someone is born male, they are a man, they are masculine. If you are not one way, you are the opposite. There is no in-between and there is absolutely no change or fluidity.

To make sure that I am following these rules of the gender binary, I Googled, “How to be feminine?” The internet tells me I must be vulnerable, receptive, graceful, soft-spoken, make open gestures and be approachable and welcoming. I must also “soften my mind.” Although I’m a kind person — I derive joy from caring for people and all of my friends have seen me cry — these characteristics are just one part of my identity.  

I’ve never had a problem with a teacher telling me to speak up when I talk in class or cursing from the depths of my soul when I play Mario Kart with my boyfriend. I stand with my arms crossed and resting bitch face. People tell me I come off as intimidating, and all of my family members are aware of my argumentative disposition. 

To act any other way would go against my nature — but wait. I have a gynecologist, so there’s no way being assertive and argumentative could be innate or comfortable for me. Yet, to hold myself back from these behaviors feels silencing. 

If you think it’s anything but a coincidence that this narrative emerged at a time when young men are becoming increasingly conservative, then I think we’re on the same page. If you also notice that a growing amount of young women are identifying as LGBTQ+ because these men are imposing their narrow definition of what womanhood is upon their partners, maybe you should just write this article for me. 

Insecure men feel their authority threatened, and influencers and politicians are telling them they should find a “real woman” — a woman who takes care of them and lets them take charge. These men are also telling women the age-old tale that they will not suffer any feelings of unfulfillment if they dedicate their lives to their husbands and children. 

The second wave of feminism proved that this is not the case. I shouldn’t have to say this in 2025, but women crave intellectual development and purpose outside of taking care of their families and catering to men’s needs. Unfortunately, this fact does have to be repeated as laws made 50 years ago are being overturned, so it seems that we are stepping backward.

At the age of 11, I thought I knew how to make boys like me. Just be quiet. I needed to act like the pretty, shy girls in movies — the Gabriella Montez type — unaware of her beauty and seemingly unknowledgeable of her intelligence. So, I tried to make myself smaller and stopped loudly competing with the boys in my classes. I refuse to let this philosophy’s recirculation shame me into that mindset again.

It took me years to convince myself to take up space again and understand that I should not shrink down to fit the mold of what I thought boys liked. I am still a woman if I laugh without covering my mouth and tell people when they are wrong. There is no right way to express one’s gender identity, and that doesn’t diminish your value in relationships. By acting how I want and not confining myself to the bounds of feminine expression constructed by men, I’ve discovered that honestly, real men love dominant women.