Stahl: I know what boys like (to see you dressed in)

Kick off your heels, girls. It turns out the blisters and sore arches aren’t worth it… Kick off your heels, girls. It turns out the blisters and sore arches aren’t worth it after all — guys aren’t going to like you any better if you’re standing at a bar three inches taller than ususal.

Curious to know what guys actually want to see girls wear, I sat down with my friend Sean Gallagher and grilled him for his token male perspective. I would like to take this opportunity to defend that he’s not an a**hole. He’s just, well, a guy, and I appreciated his candidness.

Also, before anyone accuses me of generalizing and stereotyping, let me preface: I realize I am blithely ignoring the homosexual demographic as well as those rare males that do, in fact, understand fashion and respect a girl who can pull off drop waists and fur coats.

Let’s not go on and on about how there’s more to people than just looks and it’s all dependent on personal taste and blah, blah, blah. All that stuff is for another day, and another column. Right now, I’m strictly talking stereotypical heterosexual lust.

Guys “can’t tell the difference, and it’s annoying to hear you complain about your feet hurting. It’s not worth it. Ever,” he said. So there you have it. Slip into some comfortable flats.

“Things that take attention away from your face are bad, but maybe that’s because I’m easily distracted. Dressing like you’re clearly trying to impress someone, like you want everyone to think you have money, is no good,” Gallagher said.

So constantly shopping for the latest trends and spending hours putting together the perfect outfit isn’t going to help find you a boyfriend? Well, not exactly.

“Girls really feel like we care about their clothes. But as long as they don’t look like Pippi Longstocking or they’re showing off their lady lumps, we don’t notice,” he said. Alrighty, then.

As for beauty and hygiene, there aren’t a whole lot of surprises.

“I don’t want to know that there’s a lot of makeup and you look a fake color,” Gallagher said. “Pounds of caked-on makeup isn’t pretty. Shower before class — I know when your hair is greasy.”

If you’re headed out to an evening soiree, it turns out wearing the tightest, shortest dress you can find doesn’t mean you’re going home with someone. By night, Gallagher recommends that girls should “look approachable. Wear something fitted, but not so tight you can see everything. I don’t want to see it all before I’m ready to see it. I mean, I don’t walk around with my underwear hanging out. It’s better to be more conservative than too loosy goosy.”

While trends are completely lost on the average male specimen, his carnal desires pay the most attention to how things look on a woman’s body. “Don’t try to fit into things that clearly don’t fit — know what works on your body,” he said.

By day, Gallagher suggests to wear something casual but not loose and baggy.

“You still want to look feminine, not like a dude,” he said.

Well, sorry to break this to you Gallagher, but New York Magazine’s fashion blog, The Cut, reported this week in a post titled, “Go Ahead and Get Fat Next Fall,” that baby doll tent dresses are going to be all the rage next season. So at least you won’t have to worry about seeing anything you’re not ready for. There’s a dichotomy between the fashion industry and sex. No one wearing a pair of harem pants or shoulder pads is trying to get catcalled by construction workers anytime soon. Why is that, though? Why are the trends considered most fashion-forward also completely repulsive to the average heterosexual male?

Is it a class thing? Is blatant sexuality something of the lower class? God forbid a high-end designer creates something that looks like it could be marketed to a hooker. Or is it because half of the industry elites were weird and awkward when they were growing up and never felt comfortable with sexuality?

Sure, sex sells. But when it comes to fashion, androgyny is a goal. After all, we’re talking about an industry that routinely sends boyish, hormonally imbalanced models down the runway, usually wearing something that no guy would ever want his girlfriend to wear.

I guess a girl has to decide which is more important — dressing to attract or dressing for self-satisfaction.

As for my own theory on what to wear to draw attention? Well, I have a firm psychological belief that people are hard-wired to like those who care about their own happiness first. Wear what makes you feel like a hot piece — whether that’s a slut-tastic mini dress or an oversized sweatshirt. No guy is going to enjoy perpetually answering, “You look fine,” if you repeatedly try to impress him and ask if something makes you look fat.

Listen to Gallagher, or don’t listen to Gallagher. If it sounds like you’re wearing exactly what he likes, however, let me know — I’ll give you his number.