Sex Edition: Coming out in college is anything but easy

The average resting heart rate for a 22-year-old male is approximately 72 beats-per-minute…. The average resting heart rate for a 22-year-old male is approximately 72 beats-per-minute. However, in a moment of stress pupils dilate, skin flushes and heart rates surge. Perhaps there are few moments as pulse quickening as the one in which a person decides to come out of the closet.

“My heart was beating so fast,” a Pitt senior said, who has requested anonymity because he has not yet come out to his parents.

“I came out last spring to my best friend at the time, who’s also gay. I was so scared,” he said. I had gotten out of class early that day and for some reason, I knew if I didn’t say anything then I would never come out. It was really eating at me. There had been so many countless times I just wanted to be honest, but I was scared about how people would view me after I said those words.”

Despite his initial anxiety, the senior said that he is happier now that he has come out to his friends.

“To be honest, not to be a bit Freudian, but I used to have so much anger and sadness that I suppressed in my unconscious. Once I said it, all those bad feelings disappeared and I’ve felt more confident. I think coming out has made me more understanding and empathetic,” he said. “I realize that so many people may be acting a certain way because they are not ready to admit something to anyone – especially themselves. ”

The student has only told his siblings about his sexuality. He cites his parents’ religious and political views as the primary reason for not telling them as well.

“I think I’ll say something [to my parents] when I’m in a really committed relationship so they can see that I’m happy and this is what I want,” he said.

Dr. Kevin Bursley, a licensed psychologist for the University Counseling Center, noted that there is a common misconception that until people have told their parents, they are not really “out.”

“There’s always this idea that you should come out to your family, but I think people need to do that in their own time and way,” said Bursley. “In some cases it might not be a good idea if the family isn’t accepting. Sometimes it’s helpful to talk to a sibling or whomever they think is going to be easiest to tell first.”

For those who are gearing up to come out, Bursley said, “the first step is getting to a level of self-acceptance. The process of telling people over time, when they’re ready, helps self-acceptance too because they feel better once they’re not keeping a secret from the people in their lives.”

“It’s really important to find sympathetic people to talk with. That doesn’t have to be a counselor. It could be sympathetic friends. Sometimes there’s a real sense of isolation, it gets to be so lonely to not have anyone to talk to,” said Bursely.

Bursely explained that college is a popular time to come out because, “getting away from home gives people a little bit more room to explore who they are and feel more comfortable.”

Sammy Murrian, a sophomore, came out when he was sixteen.

“There were a ton of reasons for coming out to my parents when I did, but I guess the main reason is there wasn’t really any point in my being ‘in’ anymore – the jig was up,” Murrian said.

“So one night I just threw in the towel and decided it was time. We had spent the day college hunting in North Carolina and my mother had been dropping subtleties like, ‘I don’t think this campus is diverse enough for you,’ without acknowledging the big pink elephant in the room. That night [we were at a restaurant] and I decided to come out via knock-knock joke: ‘Who’s there?’ ‘Homo.’ ‘Homo who – oh!’ My mom said ‘It’s about time’ and whipped out a guide to gay-friendly colleges she had bought for me months prior,” Murrian said.

“Honestly, that was that, my parents have never made a big deal of my sexuality at all … I haven’t either. I know so many gay guys and girls around my age who let their sexuality define them, probably because they’ve struggled with it more than I have,” Murrian said.

Not everyone is as lucky as Murrian, in terms of immediate parental acceptance. Jackie Fields, a senior at Pitt, remembers the moment she told her mother that she was a lesbian during Thanksgiving break her freshman year.

“I was in her bedroom while she was folding clothes and I just started hysterically crying. I was just like, ‘I have to talk to you about this, it’s really important.’ I told her that this was something beautiful and I finally felt grounded for the first time. And she just kind of shrugged it off,” Fields said. “She wouldn’t look at me the whole time. She told me that I was having identity issues. She said that she didn’t want me in that lifestyle and I thought she was being a b*tch, but she just really didn’t want me to have to struggle.”

Fields first came out at a Rainbow Alliance meeting early in her freshman year. “That was the first time I had ever even thought about talking about it. This slew of emotions came out. I was just like, “Hi! I’m Jackie and I like girls!’ It was so great to actually talk about it. Having that first jumping off point was really important for me, coming from a Catholic high school of all girls. Rainbow was what I looked forward to every week. It was like being with 90 of your closest friends.”

Many people think coming out is a one-time event, but Fields emphasizes that, “it’s definitely a process. You don’t just come out. You’re coming out to everyone, everyday of your life. It becomes a lifetime of meeting new people, figuring out how to act in certain situations in which maybe you’re not going to be accepted.”

So what does Fields advise to those struggling with the decision to come out?

“Reach out as much as you possibly can. It’s only a secret if you don’t tell anyone. It’s only a burden if you let it be a burden. It can be freeing, it can be beautiful. It’s not about sex. It’s not about going to seedy dive bars. It’s about maybe possibly opening yourself to finding a connection with someone you could truly love.”