Who Asked? // Why do we accept bad treatment from people?

Have you ever been listening to a story from a friend and thought to yourself, “My God, why doesn’t she just leave him?” 

I’ve heard about girls who stay with guys who cheat on them or get angry when drunk or lie about who they voted for. Sometimes, it feels more common than not to hear these kinds of stories. But it’s not just girls and their boyfriends. It could be anyone in a romantic relationship, or perhaps a best friend, or a boss or a family member. 

As someone who prides herself on setting boundaries with abandon, I’m lucky that I haven’t found myself in too many of these situations. It then becomes easy for me to look into these relationships from the outside and cast judgment. If a friend of a friend at a different college is letting her boyfriend yell at her in public, I can sit back safely from afar and say she should just dump his ass. 

But this is a vast oversimplification of a bigger issue and certainly isn’t doing any wonders for my empathy-building abilities. So what’s the real root cause? Why do we accept bad treatment from the people in our lives? And, maybe more importantly, how do we get away?

First, there are the toxic relationships that are upheld by some larger social convention — family, career, school. If you’re the sole caretaker for your elderly mother, it’s a lot harder to set boundaries and you can’t just call your boss an ass if you still want to make rent. In these situations, you may be perfectly aware that you’re being treated unfairly, but it’s not as simple as saying that. Obviously, in extreme cases, you can report someone or get authorities involved, but it’s much more common to face an insidious sort of take-down made up of belittling, overwork and lack of understanding. So it’s less of an “acceptance” of bad treatment and more of an entrapment. 

Options may feel limited in these situations, but you can still find ways to set boundaries and distance yourself. If someone’s behavior is really inappropriate, don’t feel afraid to advocate for yourself. The ability to ask for help is perhaps one of the most valuable assets a person can have. Additionally, counseling to talk through these issues and develop more well-advised strategies can be vital. 

Honestly, you should probably just get therapy in general. Taking advice from a blog by a 20 year old is not a sufficient replacement. Actually, scratch that — I can’t lose my reader base.

But what about those relationships in our lives that we choose, like friends and lovers, just to put up with their mistreatment? 

First off, and probably most important to note, is that there’s usually positive behavior present that’s just nice enough to cancel out the bad. Sometimes the good moments feel even better in contrast to the crap. I’ve heard so many girls tell me after another fight with their boyfriend that it’s fixed because he just “says all the right things,” ladling honeyed words over the sore and showering them with gifts and compliments. It’s easy to overlook a blowout with a best friend if the next week, you’re talking late into the night and making friendship bracelets. The meanness doesn’t seem so bad when you’re in a happy moment, the next, safe in a big hug. 

Often, this is a reflection of the behavior we are taught to accept. If, early in life, we had wildly varying levels of affection from parents or guardians, our kid brain processes this as how love is supposed to feel. If you’re a child and your dad goes from yelling at you one second to taking you to the mall the next, how would you know that love isn’t supposed to feel like that? Your nervous system builds itself around this treatment. Now, you might not even feel safe in a connection that is actually stable and consistent because this isn’t what you’ve learned to expect. The pumping of hormones from the chaos and danger can feel a lot like love. 

Sometimes, it can also just be a reflection of low self-esteem. You might bristle to hear that, but let me make it clear I’m not attacking anybody. There have been so many times in my life where I held such a hatred for myself, or even just a disinterest in my own well-being, that I might have accepted a lot worse from the people I love. I’m lucky that I haven’t been exposed to too many people that wanted to hurt me. 

This low self-esteem also often develops through early experiences or treatment from parents. Essentially, if you don’t see yourself in a high-enough regard, it might just feel right to take on the insults. It may even start to feel like what you deserve on some subconscious level. The cruelty and instability match the narrative you’ve been telling yourself, and thus, safety can be found in danger. 

Here, we also see why it can be so hard to leave, even if friends are telling you to run. There’s a part of your brain telling you you’re not going to find this again, a friend so close or a girlfriend who thinks you’re attractive. Many people might fear that this is their only chance at love, marriage and a family, so they accept the first semblance of this future that they can find. If you’ve been told in your life that no one wants to be friends with you or no one wants to date you, then why would you risk giving that up? Suddenly, it seems entirely possible to just clench your teeth and get through the rough patches, because being alone is a far more frightening fate. 

But in this downfall, we can also find the solution. Here’s my message to all of you, right now — and if you know a friend who’s going through this with someone in their life, send this to them — you are absolutely worthy of good treatment. You will find friends who don’t belittle you or exclude you. You will find a partner who doesn’t raise their voice and doesn’t prey on your insecurities. Love and peace will find you, and it may feel uncomfortable at first if you’re not used to it, but you absolutely deserve these good things. And stop waiting for someone to change — you cannot fix them. Life is far too short to keep people in it that fill us with anxiety, self-hatred and grief. Take this as your sign.