Music Review: Heidi Montag’s ‘Superficial’

Heidi Montag

Superficial

Pratt Productions/Warner Music Group

Rocks like: An Auto-Tuned… Heidi Montag

Superficial

Pratt Productions/Warner Music Group

Rocks like: An Auto-Tuned episode of “The Hills” set to a synth-pop beat

Grade: D

Superficiality is not necessarily a bad thing — much of pop music is based on the manipulation of superficiality into catchy, mainstream,successful songs.

When it comes to Heidi Montag, however, the only successful manipulation of superficiality she seems capable of is that of her breasts. And even then, her plastic surgeon deserves most of the credit.

Montag — one-half of the most vile Barbie- and Ken-clone duo ever to appear on reality television — has released her debut album, Superficial, a train wreck over two years in the making. Though I hate to admit it, two Montag club-bangers were leaked on the Internet in 2007, and they were horribly catchy, like the H1N1 of pop music.

But on her debut, there is nothing even resembling those two songs. Superficial is chock full of poorly produced, synthesized, and — worst of all — instantly forgettable tracks that are mildly irritating at best, but are usually insufferable.

Opener “Look How I’m Doin” is a kiss-off to a former flame, with Heidi mentioning how she once showed him “a kiss like they do in France.” Brilliant. “Blackout,” an ode to horrendous hubby Spencer Pratt (who also produced the album), urges him to “black out the satellite and be [Heidi’s] lone star.” Genius, because she means for the satellite to be Lauren Conrad, right?

If there are any tracks that even approach the designation as high points, they would be the bouncing “My Parade” and the title track lead single.

“They say I’m superficial / Some call me a b*tch / They just mad cause I’m sexy, famous and rich,” she robotically coos.

Heidi, if it makes you feel better, keep telling yourself those are the reasons America hates you.

Heidi Montag’s “Superficial”