Green: Replacing Lou Dobbs

CNN’s reigning conservative pundit, Lou Dobbs, resigned from the network last Wednesday,… CNN’s reigning conservative pundit, Lou Dobbs, resigned from the network last Wednesday, leaving a gaping red hole and a lackluster John “Magic Wall” King in his place.

Yes, it’s true. King, a so-called moderate and longtime Associated Press reporter, will fill Dobbs’ old time slot, where he intends to bring objectivity to punditry.

“I don’t think you have to give up your objectivity and give up being a reporter to be part of a very lively, provocative, feisty conversation about the issues of the day, as long as it is built around facts and information,” King said in an interview Thursday. “I think people are hungry for it. If I’m wrong, I’m wrong.”

Well, clearly old-timer King is a bit out of touch with how things work in the pundit world. This isn’t some magic wall you can touch and bend at your leisure, King. There are rules, d*mn it.

You see, unlike MSNBC, CNN likes to pretend it’s an objective and moderate news channel, and therefore it is essential that the station have at least one conservative talk show.

This way, Wolf Blitzer can continue to roll his eyes more than Rollie Pollie Ollie on a greased dance floor, while CNN maintains its objective facade — hence why it gave Dobbs a show in the first place.

Therefore, now that old Palpatine Dobbs has officially left the station, CNN will no doubt sweat blue until it can quickly replace Dobbs’ show with that of another conservative pundit.

But CNN must be careful in its decision, because with each possible pundit, you get something different, something special.

After all, I’ll bet you’ve never seen Sean Hannity dress up as Thomas Paine and liken President Barack Obama’s presidency to the rule of George III.

But I’ve seen Glenn Beck do that plenty of times.

Thus, I’ve outlined three personal fantasy contenders for the show, as well as what we could expect from each.

“Softball with Sarah Palin”

Fresh off her recent book tour for her memoir, “Going Rogue,” (now selling for just $9 at Amazon.com!), Palin hopes to touch on similar themes of politics, faith, family and that good-for-nothing David Letterman on her hour-long show.

According to Palin, “Softball” is the female yin to Hannity/Beck/O’Reilly’s yang, as demonstrated by the show’s clever original slogan — “Girl power!”

“It is in no way an allusion to Chris Matthews’ show,” she said, when asked to explain why she selected her show’s title. “Girls play softball!”

Each episode will begin with the opening credits of “Top Gun,” ending with a portrait of Palin in front of the American flag while holding her favorite shotgun in her favorite red powersuit, naturally.

The first half of Palin’s show would consist largely of irrelevant fragmented similes to bass fishing, while Palin updates her Twitter live.

The second half of the show will highlight guests — all friends and ideological comrades of Palin, of course.

“The Reinterpretation Room with Dick Cheney”

Staged under a dimly lit set flanked by gargoyles, Cheney will finally reveal to the world his political vision.

Like Sauron of Mordor, Cheney’s squinty weasel eyes see all, and after years of agonizing waiting, it is time for us to finally learn “what’s really going on.”

With his extensive experience as an ex-vice president and friend-shooter, he has seen things we’ve only experienced in our nightmares.

Now he’s here to share with us what torture really is, ladies and gentlemen.

The exalted one will receive no guests on his show, as it is filmed in a remote secret location, though Don LaFontaine will do most of the voice-overs.

I would write more on this topic, but the details of this show are murky at best.

Moreover, Cheney feeds on dark energy, so I don’t dare to speak his name more than three times, lest I summon his presence like Bloody Mary.

“Love and Politics with Mark Sanford”

Gov. Mark Sanford was a natural contender for the show. He’s a Southern conservative, and he’ll likely have to look for a new job soon, as his probable impeachment looms ever closer.

Though the show would begin as a purely political concept, we all know Swoony Sanford won’t be able to stop talking about how much he loved his Argentinean mistress.

CNN would probably consider canceling the show until it discovers that its ratings were the network’s best — ever.

Within a month of its launch, “Politics with Mark Sanford” would be renamed “Love and Politics with Mark Sanford” and would include weekly poetry readings, insight from frequent guest co-host John Edwards and, of course, advice to call-in listeners.

“Hello, you’ve reached ‘Love and Politics with Mark Sanford.’ Just call me Mark.”

“Hi, my name’s Hil — er, Helga, and I need some advice.”

“What’s your problem, Helga?”

“Well, I have this friend, see, and she’s worried that her husband might be cheating on her again. Everyone thinks he’s so great, but I know he can never leave me, because he’d be nothing — nothing — without me.”

“Well, then, maybe you should leave him. Once a cheater, always a cheater,” chimes in Edwards.

“But you don’t understand. I love him. People think I’m just some cold, mechanical robot who doesn’t feel. But I feel, Mark. I really do.”

With Sanford and Edwards collectively winning the best hair in politics, Pantene Pro-V and other shampoo companies would likely sponsor this show.

Personally, I find this third choice most appealing. Can’t say no to the extra Edwards air time, either.

But CNN would be wise to select Palin, as she is more ideologically extreme than Sanford and easier to control than Cheney.

E-mail Molly your choice at mog4@pitt.edu.