Trimble: Trying something new in bed? Proceed with caution and courtesy

A few nights ago, while researching a topic that included sexual references, I came upon an… A few nights ago, while researching a topic that included sexual references, I came upon an article on Wikipedia that astounded me.

On the page, I read about at least 10 very kinky things that I’ve never heard of. I didn’t even think porn stars committed these acts. Now, I’m not saying that I’m some Greek goddess of sex information, but I’ve heard of a lot of — let’s call them “different” — acts of pleasure.

So it was a surprise to see such an array of foreign topics brought to my attention all at once.

Let me give you an example of what I read: “Axillary intercourse.” I won’t go into the … interesteing details, you’ll have to Google it yourself — and turn off your safe search.

Okay, I’m sorry, I’ve heard of a lot of places to put it, but this is just unacceptable to me. When I read this, I thought it was a joke. Do people really do this? If so, I need a concrete example and an explanation of why it was appealing. Hit me up with an e-mail. If there’s a valid argument, you win, and I might consider moving it from the “I’d-rather-be-celibate-for-a-year-than-do-this” part of my brain to the “As-long-as-I-never-have-to-personally-partake-in-it” section. Anything more is wishful thinking.

Now, we’ve all heard of other crazy sexual acts. I’m not saying that these acts are completely unadvisable. Hey, whatever floats your boat, right? The truth is, though, doing things that are out of the ordinary requires careful consideration and planning, especially in a college setting where unattached sex is a regular thing.

For some of you, these rules are common sense, but for the rest of the population, you need to know the proper ground rules when it comes to trying anything a little adventurous. Here are a few rules by which to live:

Always ask first.

As cliché as it sounds, communication is key. If it’s a new experience between the two of you, it is only appropriate (and legal, mind you) to ask if what you are about to do is OK with the other person.

Guys, you can’t just put it whereever you want, whenever you want. Girls, be careful how you touch the family jewels. And to everyone, the butt is strictly prohibited without a thumbs-up, among several other things.

Always be well equipped.

I am never more irate than when I hear a story about two people who are about to have sex, and the guy just informs the other person of his lack of condoms. That’s just unacceptable. Man up and be prepared.

No need to feed into the spread of STDs and overpopulation. Girls, if you are going to mess around, get on birth control and then use a condom anyway. On top of that, if you aren’t on the pill, don’t ever even think to lie about it. Oh, and, one more thing: If you think lube might be necessary, then it’s definitely necessary. I can promise that you’ll be sorry if you don’t.

Handle with care.

There are areas that require a certain, shall we say, finesse? Teeth are not favored in these areas — this applies to both males and females — though a little nibbling to the ears and neck might be OK depending on sensitivity level. I once had a friend let a drunken guy cross so many lines that she was sore for a week, and all because she was too afraid to say something to him at the time. She had to get an ointment usually reserved for nursing mothers. You get my point.

Shhh!

There are several things that are not to be mentioned when you’re fooling around or doing the deed. First, your ex. Never mention what he or she did, how he did it, or what you thought of it. Actually, just forget the ex. Any other person’s name is an absolute no-no.

Second, a little dirty talk goes a long way. But unless you know that you’re both completely into it, don’t be too graphic. Some things are better left unsaid.

Third, don’t be too judgmental. You would be hurt if someone responded to your suggestion with, “Ew, that’s really gross,” so just politely say that you’re not ready for that step if something like that comes up.

Lastly, unless it’s someone you know very well, don’t talk about your period, ladies. It’s a complete turnoff.

Have a good time, be safe, and be courteous. And remember, if you tried axillary intercourse, I’ll be expecting to hear from you. That’s one story I have to hear.

E-mail Leah at lmt45@pitt.edu.