Layton: Personal assistants for college students a sad joke

“Pick me up from work at 4 p.m., sharp.”

“Schedule my haircut — make sure they know not to take too much off the sides this time.”

“Do my laundry, and this time, let’s try not to crease my Burberry boxers, shall we?”

These are demands one would expect from a Hollywood divo — or “miva,” as I prefer — to his b*tch boy, excuse me, personal assistant. As college students, we would never dream of paying tuition by the tens of thousands just to land a job that requires sacrificing practically all of our personality. Even if it means getting to hang out with someone as cool as Jake Gyllenhaal, the personal assistant job is neither glamorous or alluring.

This supposed universal college mindset is what makes a recent incident at Georgetown University all the more puzzling: If we would only stoop to being a high-profile celebrity’s personal assistant in the most dire of circumstances, why the hell would we take the job … for a college sophomore?

Charley Cooper, a 19-year-old student at Georgetown, posted a job listing on the University’s Student Employment Office website “looking for someone to take care some of my everyday tasks for 1 hr a day, 5 hrs/ week, $12/hr.” Some tasks include dropping off and picking Cooper up from work, doing and folding his laundry (though the assistant would only get paid for the labor, not the time spent waiting for the rinse cycle to end), running errands and scheduling appointments for haircuts.

Cooper would provide the car, and as a “convenience,” he would give preference to undergraduate applicants. The personal assistant could expect to make about $60 per week, or $300 per month and Cooper will even give bonuses at his “discretion.”

Wow — as if Georgetown didn’t already have the reputation of attracting many wealthy, elitist students who have never done anything for themselves in their entire silver spoon-fed lives.

Even if we do give Cooper the benefit of the doubt — he is a full-time student with a part-time job at a financial services firm, and he’s dealing with an illness in the family — it’s still impossible not to scoff at this blatant display of self-importance.

Sure, he has since maintained sincerity that his job offer is genuine and necessary for someone in his position, but the manner in which he is trying to attain a personal assistant is absurd, not to mention condescending.

Using Georgetown’s official student employment service paints the situation in a light of blatant self-promotion. It’s like he is this week’s college student equivalent of Balloon Boy — someone garnering undeserved media attention that points out major flaws in the nation’s social consciousness.

Plus, if he can afford a personal assistant, why doesn’t he just try one of the many laundry services available to Georgetown students, like Soapy Joe’s? At least then you would be sparing some poor Georgetown student’s pride.

Cooper said he’s received a number of applications so far, both genuine and scathing, so obviously there are at least some students who feel that the serious blow to their dignity is worth the money.

I, however, cannot think of any situation where I would be desperate enough to relegate my sense of self to become another college student’s personal assistant — especially if that student were younger than myself.

Are all of the work-study positions filled for these applicants? Surely, there must be people needed to stack library shelves or clock in hours as a lifeguard or exercise room attendant.

The parallel to the world of celebrity self-importance is way too easy to draw, but the idea of a college student e-mailing one of his peers a list of daily to-do activities — always by 9 p.m. and always returned to Cooper with what was accomplished that day — raises the question of, absurdity aside, how useful a personal assistant would be.

I wish I had someone to do my laundry for me, take me up to campus from my faraway apartment and schedule my haircuts. and perhaps even a waxing now and then.

But I also understand that such a wish is a playful middle-class daydream — I have no delusions about carrying out such a daydream into reality.

I know I am not, nor will I likely ever be, some A-list celebrity chaining a minion to a Blackberry with 24/7 demands for Pinkberry or foot massages.

Imagine a world where a college student having a personal assistant was a common occurrence. Actually, don’t. As if the media doesn’t remind the common people of their inferior socio-economic status on a daily basis with celebrity oversaturation, it is way too easy to observe people flouting class distinctions (or the desire for them), at least on Pitt’s campus, and likely at most American universities.

That girl wearing leggings and Ugg boots with highly unnatural blonde highlights? She probably thinks she deserves a PA. The group of preening alpha males wearing Ed Hardy and ill-fitting distressed jeans? They obviously believe they should have someone to hold their feet for a keg stand — God forbid one of their friends let a stray foot un-pop their collar.

These are gross generalizations, of course, but they make a point. Either everyone deserves a minion or no one does. And for the sake of a collective collegiate dignity, let’s stick with no one.

And yes, Charley Cooper, that means you. And I’d get cracking — I hear the Georgetown salon appointments fill up quickly.