Academics: Why they’re not important

The semester is already a third of the way done. If they haven’t already, midterms will pop up everywhere. All of this pressure after the relative bliss of syllabus week might make you focus more on academics.

This would be a mistake. Academics are not really what higher education is about. Rather, it is about “exploring the intricacies of your soul.” While it took a whole year and a half for me to learn this truth, you can complete your journey to enlightenment much faster.

I know that this statement contradicts a lot of conventional wisdom from parents and teachers. But forget all of that.

Now that you are in college, those nags and their “responsibilities” are far away. And you’ll soon realize that your comparatively younger peers are the beholders of true wisdom.

College is not really about academics or “learning,” they’ll say. Don’t listen to your philosophy professor rant on about Aristotle. Rather, listen to the great sages of partying, like Asher Roth, who once sang, “Time isn’t wasted when you’re getting wasted.” He didn’t say the same thing about going to class.

So, to start off, you need to challenge the boring notion that going to class is essential. Unlike in high school, where you are legally required to sit in a classroom, college is entirely optional — unless of course you get stuck with one of those awful professors that actually takes attendance.

In my first semester, I skipped half of my calculus classes and still managed to get a “C.” And, if I can do it, anyone can, because you are probably exactly like me in every way.

Remember that C’s get degrees, and that piece of paper is all that really matters. After all, only 27 percent of college graduates work in a job that is related to their major, according to a survey by the U.S. Bureau of Census. So it’s not like you actually need to learn anything for the thousands of dollars your parents are spending. Their money would be better spent on booze.

Speaking of which, you really need to embrace alcohol as your friend. It’s kind of a big deal.

While I never would advocate for underage drinking and do not partake in it myself, the majority of college students do. In fact, a government fact sheet proclaims that 60.8 percent of full-time college students are currently underage drinkers. Yet, from personal experience, I would guage that 99.9 percent would be a more accurate proportion for Pitt — come at us, bro.

There is nothing I regret more from my freshman year than not conforming to this fad of getting sloppy wasted and making decisions I would surely regret.

As you start off a new semester, remember that drinking will enable you to network, making connections that will further your career prospects. Just look at how many people do it — you could be urinating in that alley with your future co-worker. But always remember to record your night with photos, because you might not remember who exactly you met.

You may, however, vaguely remember who you had sex with — another form of networking.

And that brings me to my next point. In college, focusing on getting laid will also benefit you much more than focusing on classes. While you can find knowledge anywhere, there are few other places, aside from bars and nightclubs, where you find many drunken people to hook up with — who may or may not be attractive. Who cares? Your beer goggles are on.

No one, except for some stickler employer, will care if you got a C- in political science. But the sex stories you accrue in college will last a lifetime. Just ask yourself what is more impressive: graduating with a 4.0 or having sex with more than 40 different people? In our sex-obsessed society, it should be obvious which is the correct answer.

Finally, while alcohol and sex are important parts of college, experimenting with illegal drugs is for those who are truly dedicated to higher learning.

While, once again, I would never advocate for anything illegal and have never partaken myself, objectively speaking, college is the best place to experiment. Unlike in the boring workforce, where drug tests have become commonplace and missing days because you are high is frowned upon, drug tests are not nearly as common in college, and you can skip classes to feed your addiction at will. Because of this, plus the easy access to illegal substances and the large number of like-minded people, college is perfect for experimentation. After all, since it is pretty much inevitable that you will try drugs, it’s better to do it in a relatively safe environment — like college.

Now, I know many people will throw out statistics like that 30 percent of students drop out of college their freshman year and 50 percent never graduate. Even more will expound on how getting a degree does not guarantee a job, and still more will point out that with Pitt’s in-state tuition being the highest in the country, the smartest move would be to get the most “educationally” out of your money. To those people I say: don’t be such downers. Life is about having fun, and fun is doing all of those things I just talked about and saving the annoying consequences for later.

So, remember: despite what you’ve been told, academics are not that important. Other things like sex and alcohol are far more beneficial. Don’t waste another semester with studying — just party it up.             

Eli Talbert writes a biweekly satirical column for The Pitt News.

Write to Eli at ejt26@pitt.edu.