‘Jennifer’s Body’ an irritating celluloid shrine to Fox

“Jennifer’s Body”

Starring: Megan Fox, Amanda Seyfried, Adam Brody

Director: Karyn… “Jennifer’s Body”

Starring: Megan Fox, Amanda Seyfried, Adam Brody

Director: Karyn Kusama

20th Century Fox

Grade: C-

Megan Fox is astoundingly hot. That is an inarguable fact.

Her latest movie, however, is not.

In fact, the “Mean Girls” meets “Carrie” hybrid that is “Jennifer’s Body” is frequently colder than the lifeless male corpses on which Fox munches throughout the film.

While never generating even a hint of tension or scariness and only sparsely connecting with the awkward dark humor, the film amounts to nothing more than a disappointing misstep for the talented individuals involved.

When the news was announced that Academy Award-winning “Juno” scribe Diablo Cody was penning a teen horror movie, there was much speculation as to how her signature hipster-speak would translate to the horror genre.

When the news that Fox would play a literal man-eating seductress hit the Web, the skeptics were silenced by the Angelina Jolie-in-training, tabloid-ready personality and radiating beauty.

Fox as an “honest-to-blog” spouting queen bee who eats boys? The movie could practically make itself!

Unfortunately, something went wrong along the way, because the only thing at which the film succeeds is reminding audiences of how irritating Cody’s perception of teenage conversation patterns really is.

“Where’s it at, Monistat?” Fox coos at best frenemy Anita “Needy” Lesnicki (Amanda Seyfried). Listen homeskillets, I can only handle so many Cody-isms before I start screaming for these blithely self-aware brats to shut their gobs.

The plot around which Cody’s dialogue revolves focuses on Fox — and her body.

But really, after undergoing a ritual sacrifice at the hand of an unknown indie band (headed by “The O.C.”’s Adam Brody in full Pete Wentz mimic-mode), Fox comes back to life as a succubus. And when she starts feasting on high school boys, it’s up to mousy Needy to stop her.

For those not well-versed in the occult, being a succubus means Fox has a demon inside of her that requires human flesh as sustenance and that feeding keeps her looking like that girl who everyone either wanted to date in high school.

That’s only the tip of the subversive-social-commentary iceberg that Cody tries to push throughout the film. Jennifer comes back from being sacrificed as a demon because she isn’t a virgin, and being a succubus makes her unapologetic sexuality supposedly acceptable.

It’s a proto-feminist manifesto that conveniently substitutes as an excuse for the camera to fixate on Fox’s perfect curves and to set up a girl-on-girl kiss between Fox and Seyfried — get it? Me neither.

The film is gorgeous and sumptuously shot. There are even a few clever sequences, particularly one that juxtaposes Needy losing her virginity with Jennifer eating one of her conquests. It prompts a smile, which is quickly erased when the characters open their mouths again.

The film isn’t a total wreck, but for some reason, it reminds me of what I imagine meeting Fox would be like — a beautiful but ultimately vapid experience.