Trietley: NBA ref lockout could use some Replacements

When I’m sad, stressed or gassy, I reach for a sports movie.

Sports movies combine the two best forms of entertainment — sports and movies. Whoever invented this combo deserves a Medal of Freedom.

I can watch sports movies all day. Films like “61,” which is masterful, “Cobb,” which is poignant and “Slap Shot,” which, with the late great Paul Newman, is unforgettable.

My guilty pleasure, though, is “The Replacements,” a 2000 film about owners in a fictional football league bringing in replacement players during a strike.

So when I heard that the NBA planned to lock out referees on Oct. 1, and bring in replacement officials until the two sides reach a labor agreement, I ruffled through my movie collection and popped in the disc to do some research.

I assume the following few weeks will mirror the plot of ”The Replacements”.

Negotiations between the two sides collapsed when the referees backed out of an agreement over retirement benefits. Big-money issues such as per diems and dental plans also divide the league and referees.

Referees accused the league of using them to set an example for the players. The players’ collective bargaining agreement with the league ends in a year, and league commissioner David Stern might be drawing a hard line now.

But the conference room haggling about pensions and dentists grew tiring after a few days.

Then news broke that the NBA e-mailed 44 officials from the WNBA and lesser professional leagues about refereeing preseason and some regular season games. Replacements.

Cue the opening credits.

Stern will contact retired actor Gene Hackman to search for the best semi-pro and WNBA referees hiding in the greater Washington area.

Early in his journey, Hackman will find Not Keanu Reeves living in a houseboat and will tell Reeves he has heart. “You have heart,” he’ll say. “Your ability to emphatically call a blocking foul rivals the greats.”

Hackman will put together an oddball group of referees so laughable it just might work. Orlando Jones, now forgotten in the entertainment world, will revitalize his career when he keeps a straight face telling Celtics coach Doc Rivers he didn’t see the charge, even though he did.

John Madden and Pat Summerall will show up and provide commentary for no reason. Madden will even give Stern advice. After all, last week he became a special adviser to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell.

Early on, the replacements will fail miserably. Fans, though, won’t notice the difference. Crowds already see officials as inconsistent at best and disgraced official-turned-convict Tim Donaghy at worst.

But four weeks and several team-building montages later, the replacement referees will grow into a cohesive unit, earning the respect of even the vilest first-row hecklers.

When the lockout inevitably ends, the replacements will be relegated once again to the D-Leagues and houseboat living. I feel another montage.

The real referees will return with their cushy dental plans and per diems. Hackman will note to Stern, “They lack heart.”

Several rah-rah speeches later, Not Reeves and Jones will find themselves back on the big stage, officiating a big playoff game.

“I can’t do it,” Reeves will say. “I’m not good enough!”

“But, kid, you have heart!” Hackman will respond. “Now go ref like a pro!”

In a beautiful moment, Reeves and Jones will put their whistles away in the final minute of the game. Stern will wipe a joyous tear from his eye. “They have learned so much,” he will say.

“I remember when they were timidly calling fouls by the book just a few months ago,” Hackman will reminisce.

After the game — what team won doesn’t matter, as it’s always about the referees — Reeves and Jones will ride off into the sunset. “The Replacements: Referee Lockout” will film next summer.

Hackman will quote “Damn Yankees!” once more and prattle on about heart before re-entering retirement.

Coincidentally, Hackman watched “Damn Yankees!” before the game because he felt a little gassy.