Levinson: Beefs of the week include Tyler Perry, Coheed and Cambria and missing Halo movie

Like an almost-past-middle-age businessman who loudly complains to his wife after a long day of… Like an almost-past-middle-age businessman who loudly complains to his wife after a long day of TPS reports, today I come home to you, my readers, with a rant that will be so loud and unorganized that we’ll have to put the kids to bed early and put the meatloaf in Tupperware.

present to you what will hopefully occur every now and then and also help my dream of being a title maker for pornographic films:

“NOAH LEVINSON’S BIG OLE BEEF:”

Beef No. 1: Why isn’t there a “Halo” movie yet?

Rupert Sanders, renowned commercial director of some of the most entertaining 30-second spots to hit television, released another live-action trailer for an upcoming “Halo” video game titled “Halo 3: ODST.”

His first “Halo” commercial, “Believe,” was so convincing and realistic that immediately after its release, a flood of rumors drowned the Internet talking about an upcoming feature film.

At first, South African filmmaker Neill Blomkamp was ready to create the “Halo” movie, but after five months of uncertainty, those plans were left for dead in the middle of the desert.

But at least Blomkamp went on to do something just as awesome. Have you seen “District 9” yet? Thank Blomkamp for it. Haven’t seen it? You should.

Regarding the current status of a movie, a representative from Microsoft spoke to the video game blog Kotaku in August about a “Halo” movie and said, “We’re glad there’s still a lot of enthusiasm in the entertainment industry surrounding the idea of a ‘Halo’ movie. That said, the ‘Halo’ feature film remains on hold as we focus on projects like ‘Halo 3: ODST’ and ‘Halo: Reach.’”

Whatever, Microsoft. Right in front of you is Mr. Sanders, a man who has twice created “Halo” commercials that have consistently spun “Halo” movie hype. Let’s get this master chef-sized ball rolling.

Beef No. 2: “Black Dynamite” is not in theaters yet.

“Black Dynamite,” a blaxploitation-style film that shined at Sundance, will come to limited theaters Oct. 16. But I want to see it now!

This movie will have more quotable quotes than “Zoolander,” “Anchorman” and “The Hangover” combined.

While I would love to give examples of quotes I have heard so far, they are not newspaper-appropriate. Take some initiative, go online yourself and find the red-band trailer on traileraddict.com. Watch it and want it as badly as I do.

Beef No. 3: I still can’t read Cormac McCarthy’s “The Road.”

Though I have continually tried, I cannot read the highly praised novel about a father and son’s post-apocalyptic fight for survival. I’ve tried reading it in the library, alone on the couch, with music, before bed, when I wake up, with lunch, at the park and even with an audio book accompaniment, but there’s just no way I can make it through the novel.

It’s not that I don’t like the book — I just can’t sit myself down to read it. So maybe I’ll just wait until the movie version comes out with Viggo Mortensen in October — after “Black Dynamite,” of course.

A fun side note: It was filmed in Pittsburgh, which proves a great shooting location for futuristic apocalyptic wastelands.

Beef No. 4: Coheed and Cambria ruined the animated film “9.”

I saw a trailer for a film last week called “9.” It’s about a bunch of sock puppet things trying to save the world. As lame as that sounds, the short on which the feature film is based is actually heavily praised by critics and on my list of things to watch before I die.

So in the trailer, the first 40 seconds are attractive and creative, but then the music turns into something I haven’t heard since my Guitar Hero days: “Welcome Home” by Coheed and Cambria.

So instead of showcasing the beauty and depth of what could be a fantastic flick, whoever made the trailer put together a montage of cheesy action sequences accompanied by trying-too-hard-to-be-epic music. Shame all around.

Beef No. 5: Tyler Perry has another movie coming out.

For the eighth time, Perry has taken a dump.

And just as with every other dump Perry takes, he scoops it out of the toilet, gives it a title and releases it to the public for its so-called “entertainment.”

Perry’s “I Can Do Bad All by Myself” is coming to theaters next week.

Now, some people might disagree and say Perry makes good movies. That’s fine. I respect your opinion, but don’t argue with me about it. You can go in your room and watch Perry while I go in my room and watch something else. Chances are, we probably wouldn’t make good friends, anyway.

But one day, I do plan on watching all of Perry’s films. Based on the same logic of tasting frog legs or going base-jumping, I just want to try it for the experience.

But for each additional film Perry makes, that’s one more film I have to add to my Tyler Perry-athon. And as fun as it is to experience everything, immediately below heavy drinking and sniffing lead paint, Perry’s formulaic, moralistic feature films are the third-highest cause of brain damage.

All right, I’m finished. I didn’t wake up the kids, did I? Maybe we can reheat the meatloaf, if you’d like. I’m sorry, honey, I have to stop bringing my work home with me.