Levinson: ‘Avatar’ day suggests a disappointment from James Cameron

Am I too hard on 3-D? I go in to every extra-dimensional film with a furrowed brow. I ask myself, “Why do we need 3-D? Are we really that bored with cinema? Instead of paying for expensive 3-D movie tickets, why not just save up and go to Disney World and enjoy it in a setting where it belongs?”

But when I hear that something will (might?) revolutionize the entire movie industry — and I hear James Cameron’s name paired with 3-D — I can’t reserve my piqued interest.

Two Fridays ago, director James Cameron and 20th Century Fox held a special 15-minute preview at select theaters of their new film, “Avatar,” in glorious 3-D. They dubbed the event “Avatar Day,” a mildly creative advertising scheme. I only wish they had a “Doubt Day” last winter.

The theater had a queue roped off for the expected throngs of film blog followers, the only people who really knew about Avatar Day.

But when I got to the door, only a few cinemaphiles accompanied me in.

After receiving what appeared to be ski goggles for the 3-D, I had a decent idea of what people were expecting.

Most of the audience had known about “Avatar” practically for years and were ready to love it like mothers love a first-born child. There were, however, a few cynics in the back, myself included, waiting to scrupulously analyze every detail and pounce upon the slightest of flaws.

As the seats eventually filled with stragglers looking for something to do, the IMAX projectors slid open with a crisp electronic efficiency that only today’s digital world could appreciate.

But before I go into the dirty details, let it be known that there will be a few plot descriptions — not enough for a spoiler alert, so nothing that will make you mad at me.

Scene one: A tall military man is talking to military-like men. Some “won’t come back alive” kind of discussion occurs. I yawn. A man in a wheelchair — the main character — tries to get to his seat.

The story is as interesting to me as a Braille textbook.

3-D-wise, it’s all live action, so the only thing I notice is depth and a brighter image. It’s going to take more than that to make me soil my pants in amazement.

Scene two: To work on the strange planet, the men have to put their brains (electronically) into a clone of one of the native creatures, the Na’vi, that they can control.

This is what an “avatar” is in the film’s universe. The paraplegic steps into the machine and his brain is transferred. He stands up in his avatar, and the doctors tell him to sit down. He doesn’t. Chaotic, innocent horseplay ensues.

Everything here is just bad. The acting is bad, the music is bad and the dialogue is sh*tty. It makes me wonder how Cameron can be in the editing room, watch this and say, “Good job.”

But it’s only one scene, so perhaps I judge out of context.

The only bit I’m actually excited about is the computer-generated creatures — whopping 8 or 9 feet tall, lean and completely blue humanoid beings with long hair and tails.

Scene three: I almost soiled myself. It’s a chase scene with big dinosaur-looking creatures and really big rat creatures. It’s primal, filled with fast camera motions, a lot of teeth and screaming. No blood, though — I’m still waiting on 3-D blood.

Scene four: It’s another chase scene, but now with wolf things in the dark. All of the 3-D is starting to give me a headache. A native of the planet jumps out and kills the wolf things, thereby saving the hero. Now he follows her and probably wants to kiss her.

This plot isn’t original — it’s been done a billion times. A man meets a woman of a society he doesn’t understand. Then, he realizes that his society is cruel and heartless, and then he lives with the woman. Has Cameron never seen “Pocahontas?”

Scene 5: The hero is now a native and is trying to control a pterodactyl creature with his ponytail.

At this point, my 3-D headache is raging, and I can’t take it anymore. The Na’vi stick their ponytail into the ear of the pterodactyl thing to control them. It’s gooey, gross and certainly not cool in 3-D.

The sneak peek ends with a run of various clips from the trailer, and I leave the theater with a nasty 3-D hangover.

So the final word: The 3-D really was underwhelming, except for one short clip that showed the beauty of underwater lights rendered in 3-D (reminiscent of the beautiful “Coraline in 3-D”). But even that will eventually lose its novel luster.

Maybe if Cameron had concentrated a little more on plot, then I would be kinder. But you can’t get away with some of the lines in this movie. They’re just too cliché. I’ll bet the movie will end with a kiss and a tree singing “Colors of the Wind.”

Then again, maybe it’s just because I never really liked Cameron’s storytelling. In “Titanic,” there was definitely enough room on the floating door for Rose and Jack. And maybe even a freaky pterodactyl beast.

Discusss “Avatar” and Noah’s thoughts on 3-D by e-mailing him at noahdlevinson@gmail.com.